The Valley
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Have we ever considered that Valley Village might be cursed?
As we dip back intoThe Valleyfor its second season, we know a lot about what will happen.
Knowing all this, the show does something familiar to Bravo fans.
The opening montage of Jax is harrowing.
We see Jason telling him that he is going to lose everything hes built.
Then we see him entering treatment.
Thats like a whole seasons worth of bad behavior to look forward to.
Here comes the rewind.
The words flash on the screen: Seven days earlier.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Seven days?Seven?All off this terrible shit happened in aweek?
Jax Taylors propensity for terrible behavior should be studied in a lab.
Whoo-boy, are we in for a season.
The episode starts with dueling conversations: Jax talks to Jesse, and Brittany talks to Michelle.
They both tell the same story in different ways.
I want to accurately depict how Brittany tells the story.
Jax didnt see them; he sawl them.
Want to double-check we get that right.
Show me a guy who wouldnt handle the situation the way I handled it, Jax says.
Tom Schwartz later says that the behavior is completely unacceptable, as does Jason.
The other thing about Jax is, well, we all know that this is his fault.
Also, weve never seen her lie in all her years on reality television.
We all know that this is almost entirely Jaxs fault, and as fascinating (anotherFword!)
With the tariffs?)
and Jax isnt invited.
Therefore, hes throwing a competing party.
Jason tells us that Jax has been harassing all the guys in the group chat to support his party.
Both Nia and Janet tell us that the guys chat is disgusting and they never want to see it.
What exactly is in this chat room?
Is it like car videos and then some tits and then 40 fart videos off TikTok?
Is it straight-up porn and locker-room talk?
Is it workout tips?
Is it Andrew Tate clips followed by Jesse posting OOTD content?
Im going to need them to elaborate and maybe share a screenshot or two.
This party is so busted that Jax couldnt even get the full set of Schwartz triplets.
He only got Bert.
What it seems like, however, is that theyre really fighting over best friends.
What if the guys group chat is just them all saying punani back and forth to each other.
Meanwhile, Kristen keeps referring to Zack as her best friend.
I have no idea.
Im sorry, but that is one of the most out-of-pocket things I have ever heard on reality television.
Janet and Kristen sit down to chat, and Janet apologizes, but not really.
She first says, Im sorry that I roped you in with Zacks demonic behavior.
(OMG, imagine a Bravo theme park!
What would the rides be?
Mary Cosbys Wild Sprinter Van Ride?)
As we check in this season, theyre sharing custody.
Michelle says they arent co-parenting well, and they have both moved on.
I totally get that.
Because the woman Danny has been dating for two months lives in Shannon Beador country.
So, yeah, Michelle is totally right about that, too.
It comes up from the grass, blue and glowing, like the undercarriage of a Magic Eight Ball.
