The Great British Baking Show
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Greetings and welcome back toTheGreat British Copyright Infringement.
(That space is the tent and also whatever planet Noel is from.)
I was a little saddened by theBarbie-themed opening sketch.
Everyone, including Kamala Harris, knows that summer 2024 wasBrat Summer.
We didnt need a hot pink tent; we needed a neon green one.
Usually, theyre all winging that their chocolate is melting or their jams wont set because of the heat.
I joke that the U.K. is 50 degrees and raining every day from October to March.
Its not much of a joke because its true.
This year, it was 50 degrees, and it rained from October until June.
Summer didnt properly start until July this year.
The weather was so bad that even English people were complaining about it.
Do you know how bad something has to be for an English person to complain?
And do you know how bad theweatherhas to be for these waterlogged people to pipe up about it?
Yeah, it was that bad, so have a bit of sympathy for our bakers.
The first one is Illiyin from Norfolk, who is making a cinnamon-roll cake.
Will it or will it not get out of the pan safely?
This was a good week, so you know it did!
John is from the West Midlands, just like Allison.
They are called Brummies, which comes from the old English name of Birmingham.
Every time I meet someone from Birmingham, I say, Ive never been!
and to a person, they reply, Dont.
Mike uses eggs from his farm to make lemon-and-linseed loaf.
In the U.K., fanny is a cute way of saying vagina.
Its like if she lived in Nebraska and had a chicken named Vajayjay.
Georgie is working on a chocolate marble loaf that looks sure to be disgusting.
Sumayah is this years precocious 18-year-old who is way better at baking than she should be.
Shes also making a loaf with halwa, a carrot-based sweet, in the middle.
I feel like shes already made the final three.
Next up is Jeff, who it’s possible for you to tell is American because hes not Geoff.
He was born in the Bronx and now lives in Yorkshire, which is like the Bronx of England.
Its up north, its a little rough, and they have a crazy accent.
Basically the same place.
Thats the American way.
Nellie is from Slovakia.
Shes making a coconut loaf cake, and shes making her love for Noel her whole personality.
It is the meanestBaking Showhas ever been, and I am here for it.
Christiaan with two As is Dutch, which I believe means he only pays for himself on dates.
Finally, we meet Hazel, this years bless-her-heart-shes-71-and-will-be-gone-by-episode-three contestant.
), Christiaans is just as bad as I thought.
Not only did Paul hate the miso, it was also overbaked.
Yeah, it looked like a turd.
In the first episode?
Are we back to the days when Paul was giving them out like free matchbooks at the bar?
The technical challenge is a first.
The bakers have to eat a mini Battenberg and then replicate it based on taste without a recipe.
Its a checkerboard sponge with buttercream and apricot jam wrapped in marzipan.
I give it out like Paul Hollywood gives out handshakes these days.
At the top are John and both Christiaan and Georgie, redeeming themselves from their horrible loaves.
Jeff had to leave the tent because he wasnt feeling well and will be back next week.
Usually, I would say I hate this, because why watch an episode without an elimination?
Its like spinning your wheels and getting nowhere.
Also, this way they can just randomly kick off two people during an upcoming episode and well beshocked.
The showstopper is now a regular feature on the show: Make an illusion cake.
Its likeIs This Cake, but we all know its cake because its a baking show.
Her cake looks kind of like an old boot with a pencil for a beak.
and I cant believe that this show is working so blue!
I also love it.
Loving Allison is now my entire personality.
They also love the chocolate cake and butterscotch frosting even though I think butterscotch tastes like fanny.
Andy makes an excellent-looking overnight bag and itsnot even leath-ah.
(I said that last bit in my Joan CusackWorking Girlaccent.)
I mean, this thing looked like a plastic model.
This could have been onIs It Cakeand I would have been like, Do not kill that adorable duck.
Its just like WWII but with way more butter.
