The Golden Bachelor
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The Golden Wedding is finally here and I am bracing myself for emotional whiplash.
Will I talk shit?
It is literally my job to do so.
Will I also cry?
At least three times.
What can I say?
These crazy kids really do seem happy!
Its great to see the Golden ladies.
Ellen, wearing the earrings Gerry gave her, says she recently went on a date.
Her lips are decidedly unzipped.
Its givingLeta Powell Drake.
Well, thats not me, Charity mutters, not soundingnotirritated.
What are the odds of civilizationnotcollapsing by then?)
We didnt know how good we had it!
And yet this two-hour special sure does contain a lot of filler.
(Notthatkind of filler although, yeah, I guess, also that kind of filler.)
In one pretaped package, we see the Turners and the Nists celebrating Christmas together.
They bake Gerrys late wifes cookie recipe and Gerry kicks a ball around with Theresas grandsons.
The kid makes a fair point.
Theresa explains, sounding extremely natural, that they made a registry on Amazon wedding registries.
Its on Amazon) for yourself.
As of press time on Friday morning, there are still seven birdhouses in stock.
(I imagine she and Gerry are about to be in trouble for ripping off somebodysLa Dolce Vitalifestyle.)
Susan and Kathy join her for wedding-dress shopping.
Theresa settles on a glamorous Badgley Mischka off-the-shoulder mermaid dress, which, fittingly, Kathy zips her into.
In attendance tonight are some of Bachelor Nations biggest stars.
(I needed a minute, okay?)
In another pretaped segment, Theresa invites Susan (who brings Champagne flutes from your Amazon wedding registry!
For her shoot, she pretends the photographer is Denzel.
She strokes the bedpost suggestively, then helpfully explains, Thats his dick Im rubbing.
(How I missed her!)
(Smooth skin, tight butts …
I sound like a predator, Faith observes.)
At long last, its time for the main event.
At least let the woman hide under a Badgley Mischka lace tarp or something.
Live TV, baby!
The brides daughter takes the mic, too.
Check off the woman I cant live without on your Golden Wedding bingo card.
When Gerry brings up Costa Rica, we cut to Leslie, which is … wild.
Ryanmouths somethingto his wife that looks kind of like Not gonna happen.
Lip readers, kindly get at me.
), Theresa looks absolutely shocked when Gerry actually puts it on her finger.
Has anyone ever been this excited to get married?
At the reception, we enjoy approximately 13 secondsof Leslie, Ben Higgins, et al.
By the way, these peoplearegoing to be fed at some point, yes?
Can we at least throw them a passed hors doeuvre?
The hammy lead singer steals the show, jumping off the stage and shouting, Gerry, catch me!
If this guy reminds you of the wedding singer fromOld School, thats becausethats exactly who he is.
Thank you all for being my collective date to the Golden Wedding.
