The Golden Bachelorette
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I absolutely wish they would get rid of hometowns.
you could secretly fly the lead out to meet families.
I dont want to see it.
I want to see the contestants doing friendship activities together.
Imagine the shot in the arm this episode would get if Gary and Charles returned to do more shopping.
Everyone will be presented as neutral, making them palatable to all and beloved by none.
Except, again, for Charles.
But theres a reason more people tend to watchThe BachelorthanThe Bachelorette.
How is Joan supposed toworkwith this?
Of course, shes feeling less confident now than before hometowns!
(Me: Hey, you, get your damn hands off her.)
Okay, lets get to the hometowns.
We start with Guy in Lake Tahoe, Nevada.
This will be the prettiest location we see and the most relaxed we ever see Guy!
Guy says that if you make a wish, Tahoe will grant you your wish.
They drop rocks in the water and state their wishes out loud.
That isnt how that works!
That isnt how any of this works!
Guy 1,000 percent made that up.
I looked up Lake Tahoe wishes and there isnothingbut greeting cards.
Well, that plus information about thebodies that have resurfaced.
Why did they droprocksin the water?
He and Joan continue to seem a little awkward together.
Next, I perk up, because we are inChicagoooooo!
Joan loves Chicago,as she should.
Pascal drives her to what I believe is his apartment, just north of Bucktown.
Is he imagining the grandparent situation inCharlie and the Chocolate Factory?
Iwishthey made them do that.
Joan loves Pascals family and they love her.
She then moseys downtown and meets Jordan on the riverwalkexactly where the Eastland disaster happened.
Why, producers?!
Jordan takes her to Lou Malnatis for a deep dish, which is a real gamble on his part.
Also, while were on the topic, the frequency with which Chicagoans order deep dish is quite low.
Jordan also gets a rainbow cake for Joan, which he calls the best cake in the country.
I have no idea where this cake is from.
He makes her take a shot of Malort, and okay, thats pretty funny.
We have one lake in Chicago, and Im not going out on that thing to skate.
Okay, that seems like youre done, then, man.
What are you doing?
Joan is confused but still makes out with him next to the car.
I maintain that they have the best chemistry, but only when making out.
And then were in Wichita, Kansas.
Joan calls Chock one of her strongest connections and says he has been from the beginning.
We know, I said resignedly.
They meet at his friends ranch, so we dont see Chocks house, which I findsuspicious.
Wheres your house, Chock?
We learn that Chocks kids are named Taylor and Tyler, which I hate.
Like, became a doctor and flew to Bosnia to identify war victims amazing?
What if they stopped hometowns right then and made the rest of the episode a documentary about Dr. Cobb?
They dont do that, though.
Instead, we watch Chock and his family play bocce ball.
Joan says Chock didnt hold back, and thats what she wanted.
At the rose ceremony, Joan is dressed up as a sexy fire hydrant.
I just cant believe that Guy and Chock are considered emotionally open.
I hate this for Joan.
I do think they really believe theyre putting it all out there, but they absolutely are not.
Then again, she couldve had Gary, and she said no.
Chock, Guy, and Pascal get roses, and Jordan goes home, surprising no one.
Joan walks him out, tells him, Time wasnt our friend, and sends him on his way.
Maybe she also just wants to get to the end of this now.
And one person will be pushed into a chocolate river.
Gold Star:To Dr. Cobb for outshining every single man on this show.
Thumbs-up:To the dog sheriff inFievel Goes West.
Man, I really loved that movie.
Pushed Into a Chocolate River:Guy, for the wishes of Lake Tahoe.
