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Hello and welcome to the tenth-anniversary party for the Real Housewives Institute.
I know its not much of a party.
Theres no drinks, food, entertainment, or even a few measly Mylar balloons.
There is a theme, though!
This whole affair is actually a vow renewal.
I dont want Daddy Moneybags Vulture III to break up with me three months later.
I guess President and Founder was still a few months away, when I got the gig full-time.
First, were looking at why Monica Garcia is the GOAT newbie and also why she should be one-and-done.
Then, were checking out Dorits London stage debut playing a mermaid with legs that talks.
Who has ever heard of such a thing?
Heres to ten more years of the Institute!
(Unless I win the lottery, then fuck all yall).
She needs to go.
The franchise cant withstand the possibility of troll accounts and other shady Bravo-universe satellites infiltrating the shows.
(Unless they want to hire me to be the token gay onSummer House.)
If the women cant trust production, making a good program will be next to impossible.
It would also be terrible for recruitment.
Maybe its just the goodwill she garnered during the season.
She took on Lisa Barlow, who exasperates her co-stars so much that they dont even try anymore.
Her refusing to back down fromLisas attack during Whitneys sound bathis one of the highlights of a great season.
Her telling Lisa thatcarping about her $60,000 ringwas making her look bad was absolutely genius.
A certain amount of enjoying these shows is based on deciding who you believe and arguing about it.
Are you Team Bethenny or Team Carole?
But any argument about Monica will ultimately end in a ruling against her because of what happened this season.
Even if we want to believe and agree with Monica, how can we?
Then she shouted at Angie K to watch yourself, repeatedly saying nothing.
Okay, the Trump bit got me, but its just all too much.
), calls everyone old and ugly, and nothing gets accomplished.
The problem is that they cant and they never will.
There are two precedents for what a second season with Monica might look like, and neither is appealing.
We already have Heather, an excellent cast of snowflakes, and whatever Angie K is.
We can and will endure.
StageDorit
Our Lady of the Accents shows off her weirdest one yet in her London stage debut.
I asked my date and fellowHousewiveschronicler,Louis Staples, who answered with an incredulous yes.
A panto is a uniquely British enterprise.
Theyre meant for children but also have saucy jokes to keep the trapped adults chuckling.
The crowd for this one was about 80 percent families and 20 percent Housewives gays shouting for Dorit.
English people are deeply weird.
She acquitted herself nicely, though her accent sounded decidedly more American than usual given the context.
Dorit could always deliver a line in a confessional, and she shows the same skill here.
Shes no Eileen Davidson, but still.
I groaned deeply and loved every second of it.
When Dorita Mermaid showed up, I leaned over and asked if it was Dorit again.
Louis shouted, possibly annoyed but more likely embarrassed since Dorit was literally in the characters name.
She arrived onstage as part of a trio of singing mermaids.
Well, two of them were singing.
Dorit, you had one job!
Theresgood footage of this on Instagram.
The video I took is compromised because the bald man in front of me had a giant head.
It was like Fran Fine fromThe Nannyauditioning for the role of a gangsters girlfriend.
But why did she have legs?
But she still wasnt horrible.
But none of those things happened.
Maybe she has a future in this?
Maybe well see her in another panto next year?
Maybe shell take over for Ariana inChicago?
Or maybe thats just the weed talking.
But when the episodes are good, whoo-boy, they are a lot of fun to write.
Here are some clips from some of the best episodes over the last ten years of the Institute.
July 2014:Aviva Throws Her Leg(RHONYSeason 6, Episode 20)Aviva Drescher threw her leg.
Thats all there is left to say, ladies and gentlemen.
Aviva Drescher threw her leg and we watched it on television.
Aviva Drescher threw her leg.
Aviva Drescher threw her leg.
Aviva Drescher threw her leg and there is really nothing left to say.
Remember, everyone, that someone is driving that shuttle.
Not only is she entirely abhorrent, shes delightfully bonkers.
She drives me absolutely insane, but man is Kelly Dodd great TV.
I am not safe.
I needed that footage.
Can you imagine if Ariana moved into Villa Rosa, a Sweetgreen flagship store that only sells miniature ponies?
Where is that sitcom?
Too bad there is a writers strike on or Id be scripting it right this minute.
RecapHighlights
A selection of the best Vultures Bravo Recaps Industrial Complex had to offer this month.
I dont know, but I love it.
Is the only thing these women do now hang out with each other and give each other shit?
Is thisThe Real Unboxing Videos of Swag Gulch?
Imagine being Archangel Michael and getting this assignment.
If Gods hand can be seen in anything, its this season ofRHOSLC.
[Season 4 Reunion, Pt.
1]
Southern Charm:Olivia says Austen gets off on girls fighting over him.
Everyones talking about how Austen is so horrible, selfish, and narcissistic.
Have they not been watching this here reality-television program, with all episodes now streaming on Peacock?
Of course he is.
That is literally him.
[Season 8, Episode 14]
