The Bachelor
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And I think Grant Ellis is the man to deliver us an acceptable and unremarkable season.
Something about Grant just says a sleeve of Ritz crackers, lying on the couch while hungover.
I gave my injector a picture of Count Orlok as an inspiration image.
I cant keep up with the drama.
A Bachelor who can barely make a decision feels like comforting stability.
In this one situation, I will shun modernity and return to tradition.
A hot goober who doesnt know what he wants.
Lets get into it.
It seems like the vibe theyre going for with Grant is 90s Fine.
Hes giving Love and, youll never believe this, Basketball.
Because we never got his Hometown episode, we meet a lot of his family.
Marcus went further on Jenns season than this guy?
Grant gives his first first-impression rose to his grandma who seems only vaguely aware what hes talking about.
Grant is VERY focused on finding a wife and having kids.
Grant, these women are 28.
Theyd be child brides.
Joey has the Mirrorball Trophy.
Full choreo or get the fuck out the mansion.
No time for a 5-6-7-8, because the first limos are arriving!
The first ladytestant out of the limo is Rose, who hasnt prepared anything.
She seems nice enough and Grant seems to really like her.
Next is Litia, who is Mormon and was born in Hawaii and gives Grant a rhinestone basketball.
She says in her intro package that religion is a guiding light for her.
My dumb ass wrote in my notes Oh wow, she has fake snow!
Shes a basketball player and Grant says as she walks away, I guess shes a LeBron fan.
Theres Parisa, who is on the show to find a cat daddy wait, no!
A daddy for her cat!
She owns a cat and would like to find him a father.
Theres Carolina from Puerto Rico who is one of my early favorites.
Grants language skills are really tested in this episode.
Muzzy needs to make an appearance on a future group date and lead a foreign-language lesson.
Alli Jo pulls up in a Jeep and gives him a pizza because New Jersey.
Shes gonna be loud!
Theres Radhika and then Allyshia.
Our wish might beGrant.
Well get the pun.
After a few other entrances, theres a llama approaching.
Grant looks down the driveway and asks, Is that a donkey?
Im falling for this dummy.
Leading Linda the No Drama Llama is Alexe.
She grew up on a farm so she brought a llama.
The real surprise is she BRINGS THE LLAMA INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!
Linda the Llama just hangs out the entire cocktail party.
Linda needs her beauty rest.
(Linda has a bold brow so she obviously cares about her appearance.)
Speaking of gimmicks, entrance-montage time!
Sarafiena with a big Grant head for some reason!
Kyleigh who knows Grant likes to dance the salsa brings him a jar of salsa for some reason!
Neicey is in a lab coat!
Kelsey wears a Mrs. Ellis jersey!
Savannah brings him a wedding cake!
Then two of the absolute hottest women Ive ever seen on this show give dynamite entrances.
Next is someone possibly even hotter, Zoe.
This is the baddest bitch Ive ever seen on this show.
She arrives with a T-shirt cannon that she shoots over the house and basically attacks the women.
This is a display of powerful dominance.
A sexy woman, basically holding a cannon, dropping images of her future sexual conquest on her rivals.
Arthurian legends have been written about less.
Pack it up, girlies.
Zoe is the one to beat.
And with that, its time for the cocktail party.
She gives him a Shake-N-Go to pop on and Bailey, baby.
That aint a bob.
The bob is not bobbing!
Thats a pussycat wig!
Grant isnt giving Silk Sonic or Andre 3000 in the Hey Ya video.
Hes giving Anita Baker.
Allyshia gets the first kiss of the cocktail party and a bunch of ladytestants are watching.
I feel like this group of women are always lurking in the shadows trying to see whats going on.
Juliana sits down with Grant and plays piano TERRIBLY.
Okay, so he thinks shes the hottest, because shes not good.
Carolina cant stop crying, I think because she realizes in real time that her parents will someday die.
Suddenly, a mystery woman appears in a stretchy black dress.
Who could this woman be?
These two are incredibly related.
Taylor shows off some baby pictures and tells some embarrassing stories.
She used to dress him up as her baby doll.
I definitely need more information.
Taylor takes her leave and Grant has the first-impression rose to deal with.
But theres a twist!!
Whoever gets the first-impression rose will get the first one-on-one date.
But Alexe gets the first-impression rose and a little make-out with Grant.
Grant loves that she works with children, and he knows shed be a great mom.
Grant has some strong opinions about these women very early.
Its time for the Rose Ceremony and Parisa is regretting making Grant watch a Power Point slide show.
Kyleigh breaks down into tears and says her little-girl self is proud of her adult self.
This is a lot of tears for night one.
Jesse leads Linda out of the mansion as Grant leads the ladytestants in a toast!
This season onThe Bachelor: Oh no!
Grant is a singer!!!
!
