The Bachelor
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Its me, my dear, dear readers.
Its been quite the minute since Ive been gone.
Ive got another Emmy (that makes three, girlies!!
), I made it through the WGA strike, and I got all new blood.
But most important, I checked the absolute fuck out from Bachelor Nation.
For the first time in my life, my brain was empty.
Nothing whistling between my ears and fresh new chemo curls on top of my head.
But was I happy?
Was there more for me out there?
I knew there was, and so now Im back, you lil nerds.
But as a result, Im watching with absolutely zero context.
So who is Lil Joey?
I cannot stress enough to you that I did not pay attention to what was happening!!
I WAS HOOKED UP TO TUBES!!!
ABC has upped its music budget for this moment of Joey being left at the proposal altar.
What was Joey made for?
Lets get into it.
ABC didnt clear this usage with the Canadian government.
Rachel from Hawaii gives Joey a lei.
Erika plays Latin dance music and makes Joey shuffle around awkwardly.
He answers likeShereewhen he says, Spring, summer.
You have to be a bit like a prosecutor in these moments, Autumn.
Dont ask a question you dont know the answer to.
Shes visibly upset for the rest of their interaction.
Lauren is older and has a realLindsay Lohans Beach Clubvibe.
She shotguns a beer with Joey and beats him.
Is this what it takes to find love?
Joey lets out a giant burp.
Everyone involved is out of college.
None of this seems sexy.
Katelyn is a nuclear radiochemist, and shes brought an experiment to see if they have chemistry.
She has Joey poura liquidintoanother liquidand makes a volcano.
One of my absolute favorite entrances, simply because it makes zero sense.
Taylor throws an absolutely mammoth bra at Joey.
Hes trying to figure out what it is and just says, Is it giving very wedding?
Is it giving very wedding?Is it giving very wedding?Thats poetry.
Say it out loud.
Right now at your desk.
(Shes here for the massive support.
1/10, barely a pun.)
Someone asks him to compare his dick to an array of bananas!
Then theres a series of tennis-related entrances with Kayla making very unconvincing orgasm noises and calling them tennis grunts.
I feel like shes hitting a lot of quadrants on the Bachelor Contestant Personality Matrix.
Im not entirely convinced that an AI didnt pull her software out of the pile.
Its somehow better than all of those things, and Lea lacks the killer instinct to fully take advantage.
Joey gives a toast to finding his doubles partner and were off!
This man is SMOOCHING!
This feels like its gotta be a first-night record!
For that alone, I hate this bitch.
I need one of these women to be ready to play!
For as mad as everyone gets, Joey manages to even out the experience by kissing so.
Almost every sit-down ends with a kiss.
Jess just kinda hangs out like a Sim without any instructions.
Jess says, Im sure itll come back around.
Lauren and Allison reveal to the ladytestants that theyre sisters, and someone yells out, Eskimo sisters!
and I cant believe that made it on data pipe TV.
But he still kisses Allison.
Its time for Leas Letter.
What a twi oh no, shes crying.
Cue the Billie Eilish.
Get a fucking grip.
Im sorry, this not only guarantees you a one-on-one date but a story line for the season.
This is your ticket toParadiseand possibly whatever Franken-reality-love competition Netflix is cooking up next.
Very nice, goody two-shoes.
Joey says he admires her character.
Okay, this is a bit much.
It doesnt say you have to stab someone.
She throws it in the fireplace, and everyone elses Terminator Vision identifies her as Not a Threat.
She gets the first-impression rose for having morals or whatever.
This simple action begins to unravel Evalin to a degree that I think she should go home.
Stand up, Evalin!!
Time for the Rose Ceremony.
The sun is rising.
Evalin is still weeping.
Lauren says, Youre really gonna give Allison the first rose and me the last rose?
Fly, Eagles, fly!
This season onThe Bachelor: a drone show!
Someone fully leaps over a table!
I dont know whats happening.
Im sick of feeling like this.
I dont know what to do!
WE ARE SO BACK!!
!
