The Bachelor
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Maybe Beyonce can do something.
But I closed my eyes and said my little prayer: Dear Lord,BachelorNation has suffered too long.
Starved for romance, for beauty, for two non-fuckboy leads in a row.
May this be the last time I raise my voice to you in prayer.
No more leads who didnt make it to at least Hometowns.
No more, Lord!!!!
Throw a big rock at it!
Think about it: Colton, Clayton, Matt James, Katie Thurston, Jenn.
You might be sitting there saying, What about Hannah Brown?!
Underreactions to obvious contestants who were there for the wrong reasons.
Overreactions to seemingly reasonable hesitations from their final three or four.
Or they completely misunderstand their role as the lead.
And whatever they do as the lead is justifiable because everyone will get over it.
Thats why everyone fucking loved Joey.
He didnt want how he felt at the end of Charitys season to be how anyone else felt.
Lets get into it.Itbeing the three-hour finale andAfter the Final Rose,which honestly could have been an email.
Was I the only one who thought Grant lookedmiserablewith Litia meeting his family?
Is that jumping the gun?!
Im begging you, stand up!
Then Grant says the thing that should have tipped us all off that he wasnt going to pick Litia.
I popped them back in.
But this is why he didnt pick Litia.
He wants to have an influencer life for a couple of years before having kids.
Id put my money on a long engagement, too.
She keeps going, Iloooooveyooousoooomuch and cutting Grant off to finish his declarations of love.
At one point, she literally goes, Pick me!
when theyre talking about engagement.
I know youre excited, but hey.
And Grant looks miserable.
On my broadcast, there was a Volkswagen commercial playing the song Are You Having Any Fun?
and that felt like a direct attack on Grant.
Also, shes got truly ridiculous tan lines.
Juliana, put down the SPF 3 oil.
Grants dad wants to know what kind of food hell get at family get-togethers.
Are we talking meat sauce?
Grant says he loves Julianas dad and cant wait to get the dads together.
He says hes not leaving again, and hell be there for Grant until the very very end.
Grant sits down with Juliana and tells her that he loves her.
They kiss and kiss and wow, they have a chemistry that he just doesnt have with Litia.
Clayton has a terrible haircut, and Charity looks amazing.
Next, its time for Litias final date, and she isbuzzing.
I think she thinks he might propose today.
Just get it over with.
Shes laying it onthick.
Hes doing his best to get through the day, but … hes just not into Litia anymore.
with chaos in her eyes, he just goes, Youre funny.
Youre funny with no laugh is a mans declaration of hate.
Heres the thing: I dont think any of this is Who is he gonna pick?
Its How do I pick Juliana when Litia is so clearly the perfect on-paper choice?
How do I tell the Perfect Woman I dont want her?
No man with a lone-wolf tattoo and an earring has ever picked the 31-year-old who knows what she wants.
Its proposal time, and Grant has to make a decision.
Who to send first?
He does … just not yet.
And one note before the mess: Both women lookamazing.
When Litia is the first to arrive, a groan of disappointment rings out in the audience.
Litia also cant walk in her dress, making this final walk all the more excruciating.
She makes it to the proposal gazebo, and Grant, why do you keep KISSING HER?
Its sweet, its submissive, its innocent.
Litia drops that shit in this moment.
She doesnt give Grant a fucking inch during this conversation or any other conversations in this episode.
She asks, When did it change?
Grant is completely unprepared to answer any questions from Litia.
Mostly becausethis was a bad reason to give her!!!
Especially knowing how he was talking off-camera.
Litia says shes disappointed and stops herself from asking questions that will hurt her feelings.
Thats stuff for you to work out.
Thats not my business.
When he walks out, he asks if she feels misled.
Why is he doing this?
This is a bad idea for Grant.
Litia says everything hes been saying up to his point makes the switch up crazy.
My favorite part is that she says shes mad.
This would make you mad!
Now its time for Litia to confront Grant in the present-day live episode.
She says she felt like the rug was pulled out from under her.
She lists everything Grant said to her.
On night two, he said he would stop the show for her.
She also says, He went out of bounds.
My favorite is he told her to keep a journal so they could read them to each other.
(You see Juliana writing in a journal at one point during the episode.)
Litia said she felt pressure to catch up to wherehewas.
All he can offer is Im sorry I hurt you, which is nice but not enough.
Why did you do that?
What was running through your mind?
Why do it to Litia?
Someone who was so clearly serious about marriage and kids?
At one point, Grant says its hard to compartmentalize, and that isnt the issue.
He doesnt seem to get the problem and knows he cantreallypush back because thats just a bad look.
And thats how you clear a bitch!
Now its time for a HARD PIVOT to Grant and Juliana, and honestly …
I knew that Grant really liked her from early in the season, so this isnt a surprise.
He always wanted someone to save, but Litia wasnt going to be saved.
They get engaged and with one last WOLF PACK BABY!
they run off into the sunset.
This post-engagement isnt particularly revealing.
Juliana is one of those people who express positive emotions with a high-pitched squeak.
They look happy and seem to be in love with each other.
Objectifying everyone right until the end!
ABC is sending them to Italy!
Theyll be moving to Boston.
Grant, let me say from experience: bad idea.
Rapid-fire wrap-up: Zoe has an amazing bob that is BOBBING.
Shes going to Paradise.
So will Leslie and Gary from theGoldenfranchise!
TheGoldenfolks will be down in Paradise!
I hope a 23-year-old falls in love with one of theGoldencontestants.
I dont care what the genders are (but I have a preference).
See you in Paradise!
