The Bachelor
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It has been a minute since Ive had to watch the bizarre ritual of a Live Most Dramatic EverBachelorFinale.
I forgot about all the longing looks off balconies in Tulum.
Or a Bright Spring?
Wait … that last one doesnt sound right.
Daisy put her producer hat on this episode, and it was truly a wild choice.
She came, she realized she wasnt the one, she left in an SUV.
Sheif you love something, let it go-ed too close to the sun.
She scripted herself into a corner.
If I love the wrong person this much, imagine how much I can love the right person.
just excuse my French, but get the fuck outta here.
Screenwriters, this is what we protested against, non-union Bachelor contestants wielding AI to write dialogue.
So, one more time, lets get into it.
Its time for history to be made.
Lea is wearing some absolutely absurdfaux-fur sleeves.
Jesse lets us know that something thats never happened before will happen tonight.
I think its one of those thick-ass sketchbooks.
First up is Daisy, and honestly, she crushes it.
How many of our second-place finishers crush it with the family?
When Daisy sits down with Joeys mom, his mom asks what makes Daisy unique and I cackled.
I, too, would like to know, Joeys mom.
Daisy gets the seal of approval.
Then its time for Kelseys visit with the family and, yall … his parents know.
His family wants to know if Kelsey is in it for the long haul.
Its time for the final dates.
She says that she wants to tell him but it hurts and a producer asks, What hurts?
Daisy says, That hes not sure of me.
NOW JOEY!!!
That is a breakup.
But it gets worse.
He then tells her to be grateful for what theyve built together.
Its time for Joeys final date with Kelsey, who gets the more glamorous and romantic spa day.
Theyre basically just kicking their feet and giggling while spa staff scrubs them.
The real amazing thing is the evening portion of their date.
He says over and over, I dont want you to doubt.
Thats him telling her YOU WON!!!
I AM GOING TO PROPOSE TO YOU!!!
Just chill out for 12 more hours.
you’re able to do this!
Like …its them.Its THEM!
I cant get enough.
I wanna support you, I want it to be you.
I know the women cant propose onThe Bachelor,but Kelsey just fucking did.
Honestly, I want to have my college roommate read that at my wedding.
Love is patient, love is kind, love wants to cook breakfast in the morning.
Daisy has ceased to give a fuck about the competition, but she will be delivering three more scenes.
Time for the proposal.
Kelseys in the car … wait, Daisys in the car … THEYRE IN THE CAR TOGETHER.
Why was this necessary?
Why did Daisy have to be involved in Kelseys proposal at all?
Blah, blah, blah, girls girl shit, whatever.
Do what you got to do, but Im really confused why Daisy and Kelsey needed to ride together.
I know she thought she ate that.
Daisy tells Kelsey that her mom would be so proud of her and she would be so happy.
That is … almost too emotional for me or anyone else to handle.
Its time for Kelsey.
Joey immediately launches into his proposal speech and doesnt even let Kelsey say anything.
This man is ready.
He cant wait another minute to tell her he loves her.
He says he feels a strong flame and itll never go out because shes his light.
He always wanted a beautiful life and he didnt know how beautiful life could be until he met her.
WILL YOU MARRY ME???
AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
HER DAD, MARK!!!
HIS MOM, CATHY!!!
KELSEY!!!!!
They fucking did it!
We fucking did it!!
Then theres the After the Final Rose but … nothing happens.
Kelsey comes out to join Joey and immediately starts crying.
Theyre so in love.
You ever know a couple that is so in love its looped back around to boring?
Thats Joey and Kelsey.
ABC gifts them a stay in Jasper.
Remember when the show gave Nayte and Michelle $20K for a house?
Your new Bachelorette is … Jenn?
Shes ready to be the main character when Asian Americans have been sidelined in the media.
Cons: She tries to make several jokes and literally none of them are funny.
Not even a titter from the crowd.
When she says cheeky banter, what doesshemean?
Congratulations, Kelsey and Joey!
