The Bachelor
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Sometimes, the passage of time is immeasurably slow.
Time can be measured in epochs and geological shifts.
Time moves in mysterious and imperceptible ways.
But then … you remember:
HOMETOWNS ARE NEXT WEEK?!?!?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHEN YOU SAY HOMETOWNS, WHAT AREYOUTALKING ABOUT?
WERE ELIMINATING DOWN THE TO FINAL FOUR????
Are you fucking kidding me?
Everything is upside down!
And I dont know about you, but much like Carolina, Im not having a good time!
This season feels sterile in a way.
Part of it is Grant telling every woman that shes beautiful and he can see her as A Wife.
Not always his wife but A Wife.
You really like him?
This isnt the Seventh Grade Mermaids Under the Sea Spring Dance.
Lets get into it.
This week there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date.
I guess we had to wait for the Princess Date until we reached a castle-based European City.
Madrid is more plaza-based.
Juliana races out to the lawn of the hotel, and Grant waits to take her in a helicopter.
Im at such a disadvantage because I got to kiss Grant in Las Vegas.
At one point, she says, Im literally a princess today!
and he goes, Youre a princess always.
Yeah, hes INTO her.
And he never wore a kilt.
The only other interesting thing that happens on this date is when Juliana finally gets her princess gown.
Well, its not a princess gown; its totally aDiamonds Are a Girls Best Friendpink gown.
Can we be thematically coherent or nah?
She enters the final ball and greets Grant with Hi, boyfriend.
He gives her a tennis necklace.
(So what … was this aDiamonds Are a Girls Best Friendthemed date?
PICK A THEME!)
They are a couple.
She says that shes not all nice and smiles and is happy all the time.
But I think the ho in question is himself.
Grant seems to be moving through a few of the archetypes of the children of addicts.
Thats a lot, and hometowns are next week.
Im ready to call it.
Next is the group date.
Its Sarafiena, Alexe, Carolina, Dina, and Zoe.
Im sorry putting Zoe on this date was nasty work.
Its the Highland Fair or whatever.
The other women are PISSED.
Youre being rude to the local talent.
Everyone else keeps saying, Im here.
I have a positive attitude.
Shes being a damsel in distress, and theyre not wrong.
So Carolina goes and sits by herself, and I dont know, look out over the loch.
Grant stops the fun to go check on her.
Carolinas mistake is that she cant turn off her bad attitude when the lead comes over.
He calls out that she sounds sarcastic and like she doesnt want him to ask her whats wrong.
A man that will stop what hes doing to ask you whats wrong when youre performatively pouting?
She mostly cant handle that she got an early one-on-one and cant see relationships progressing.
In the grand scheme of the season, it wasntthatearly, though.
Also, Carolina cant admit defeat just to be sent home.
Grant says at some point, this needs to be behind them.
The women keep framing it as Carolina doing this on purpose, and I dont think shereallyis.
She doesnt see what shes doing as against the other women because its working on Grant!
They could do the same thing!
Grant takes the ladies aside to talk about hometowns, but thats insane and makes no sense.
Sarafiena is like, I really like him, and were talking about hometowns.
Everyone, get a fucking grip.
And Im sorry,Law & Order: Bachelor, these are just not the correct arguments.
The other women demand that Carolina be grateful and not monopolize Grants time.
Sarafiena says she cant deal with Carolinas one-liners, and I dont think Carolina is that funny, yall.
You are just too wound up.
What do you want her to say?
Dina sits down with Grant and basically tattles that Carolina only thinks of herself and shes ungrateful.
I usually hate this move, but Dina lays the flattery on so thick its hilarious.
Youre smart, youre intuitive, you make good decisions.
Is she writing him a college recommendation letter?
The night ends with Grant having a lot of thinking to do.
Its time for Litias one-on-one date.
They get the Live like the locals date, and it really sells me on Edinburgh.
It looks cute as hell!
This date doesnt really sell me on Litia.
Like a mom helping their child practice their science fair presentation.
Maybe shes trying to say what hes saying in unison but he moves onto a different thought.
Its very silly to watch.
The real point of interest is the evening portion of their date.
They talk about what Litias hometown would be like, and yall … shes Mormon.
She was raised in the Mormon church and presumably still a Mormon.
Listen, if youre Mormon, go off.
But the Mormon Church is a WHOLE THING.
Did you picture Usher??
Because they only lifted restrictions on Black people in 1978.
This isnt just like were conservative.
Grant is like, Yeah, I pray?
He would go eat dinner alone in his room and his family wouldnt eat together.
Litia lights up at the fact that she can possibly give him that.
Whats happening?!??!
I just remembered Heather Gay fromRHOSLCsaying that perfection is an unofficial tenet in the Mormon church.
Grant also says, When two people meet and theyre both ready, amazing things can happen.
His light is ON!
What a low-key reaction.
Do you love him?
She says this with the same tone as Do you want to seeThe Wild Robot?
Yeah, I could see it.
Its time for the rose ceremony, and theres no cocktail party!
Were getting right down to it!
Carolina pulls Dina aside, and Dina asks, Wait, is this real?
after theyre all lined up.
Carolina apologizes, and they say I love you, and this is weird.
Both of them secure their stays in Paradise if they dont end up with Grant.
Time for the roses: Litia, Juliana, Dina, andZoeall get roses.
WHAT A TRULY BIZARRE FINAL FOUR.
WHAT CHOICES WERE MADE.
Either pacing or once they all saw Grant tell everyone, Youre beautiful, and you are wife-shaped.
And I imagine well find out soon enough.
See you next week if Julianas family has an issue with Grant kissing their daughter!
