The Bachelor
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And just like the real Traitors, these women are NOT.
There arent enough cloaks and lanterns in the Western Hemisphere.
Even Wes had a better social game than this!
The first rule of Bachelor Mansion: Dont bring up drama.
Its a rose for the drama, and thats worse than a scroll from the Traitors.
Lets get into it.
Its morning in the Bachelor mansion, and Jesse lets us know that last night was an emotional night.
This week, we are going to be even more vulnerable to lube up those tear ducts, ladies.
The group-date card will reveal who will be going on those one-on-one dates.
Does anyone else have to take a deep breath in the middle of that list?
Love is the greatest investment.
Carolina and Beverly have the one-on-one dates this week.
Anyway, Grant is looking for someone to build a nest egg with.
Do ANY of these women know what a checkbook is?
Let alone how to balance it??
(Im HOA president.
I cant POSSIBLY get into it now.)
This is like his entire brand!
And like I said during Beccas season, hes a cute lil business boy!
to earn Grant Bucks.
They ask the women, How much should a man spend on an engagement ring?
and everyone answers, $20,000.
WHAT!!!!!!!!
You want your man to spend TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS on an engagement ring?!?
They didnt ask you how much Neil Lane gets paid per appearance.
Ladies, ladies, ladies, thats a down payment in a slow real-estate market.
Thats a tall enough ask, but at least its moderately financially reasonable.
She gets the most Grant Bucks.
Zoe needs to MAJORLY lighten up.
She picks Grants T-shirt to sleep in and a snakeskin Birkin 20.
The Grant BucksUSD exchange rate is crazy right now.
Oh, twere life so simple.
The women are not sympathetic because of the stunt she pulled last week.
While Zoes getting a drink, Sarafiena says, Thats the shortest dress Ive ever seen.
That seems to be the whisper that sends Zoe over the edge.
She brings it to Grant and tells himsomeonehas been throwing jabs in the house.
Do I have to do everything?
They do some selfies on the jet, doing the Rizzler face.
Theyre also kissing a lot.
They kiss like an already-established couple.
For all the drama Carolina gets into later in the episode, its like, Girl!
Youre in the lead!
Just keep kissing him!
I was also distracted by Carolinas nails because I have the same Glamnetic press-ons.
Press-ons are good now!!
For the evening portion of the date, Carolina wants to talk about something shes had to go through.
She says that when she was 13, she had a seizure and was diagnosed with epilepsy at 17.
For a long, long, long time, I didnt tell anyone that I had cancer.
My closest of closest friends knew, and my family knew.
I had long talks with friends if I would tell my co-workers!
I didnt tweet about it, I didnt include it in my writing.
Becausepeople get weird when you have an illness or disability.People get so so so so weird.
I cannot even imagine having to tell the actual fucking Bachelor about my white blood cells.
So I understand Carolina being wary about telling Grant or anyone else because talking about disability can change things.
It shouldnt be that way!
But it is!!
Also, Carolina, some of us are in our 30s.
Were just straight-up tired!!
Grant says hes starting to feel feelings for her, and hes always going to put her first.
She gets the one-on-one rose.
Back at the mansion the next day, Beverly has to leave the competition because of some medical emergency.
And everyone is wondering how the rest of the week will go.
Ill tell you right now what they should have done: pool party.
Instead of that, Litia, Sarafiena, and Dina go on a mini group date?!?
What is HAPPENING with the pacing of this season?
They head to Vanderpump Dogs because Lisa Motherfucking Vanderpump will NOT be canceled on!
His sister is taking care of his dog!
He doesnt have a dog!
My other favorite moment is when Dina says she wants a bathing area in her house for her dog.
For the evening portion, Litia gets the dinner part of the date?
This is just illegibleBachelormess.
I really want a camera on Sarafiena and Dina in the van on the way back to the mansion.
How were they feeling?
I forgot to mention that during the day portion of the date, he tells her, Youre sincere.
Those are the attractive things that I attracted to you.
Im attracted to you.
They FaceTime her mom because production ran out of ideas.
If she doesnt make it to Hometowns, this will be embarrassing.
She gets the one-on-one rose.
I will say they look really good together.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Carolina is in an anxiety spiral never seen before.
?If he said that, I feel like the show would have shown us???
But that doesnt matter because its time for prom!
Also, a gaggle ofGolden Bachelorettecontestants show up to … do what exactly?
Listen, I cannot do my job if nothing Im looking at makes sense.
This is like asking someone to write a math equation based on a Dali painting.
She pulls Grant aside and tells him what Rose said without any names.
Grant immediately starts naming the women who were on the group date.
He gets up and says, It has to be Rose.
I bet hes great at Murdle.
He sits down with Rose and asks her why she would say that.
He tells her that when she says something like that, it makes him look like a player.
He mentions this a few times, and it is areal concernfor him.
Rose shuts down and just starts quietly repeating him.
Im here to find a wife!
Grant goes back to Carolina and tells her that Rose apologizes.
Carolina,he did all that.
Everyone wins Prom Queen!
Sure!!!!!!!
Time for the rose ceremony.
The final rose goes to Rose (for the drama).
Bailey, Alli Jo, and Chloie go home.
See you next week!
Now the focus is falling in love!
What was the focus before!!
?
