The Bachelor
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Do you remember the good ol days?
When Corinne showed up at the cocktail party in a bikini and a trench coat?
All the hot tubs?
Literally anything Demi did to get attention?
Where is the resilience?
Where is the toughness?
Where is the creativity?
Where are the bad bitches!?!
Did these women not know what show they were signing up for?!
Something is not right about the pace of this season.
Every cocktail party should be a whirlwind of everyone stealing Grant away.
Again, I hate to sound like a boomer, but suck it up!
I should not be this stressed when it comes to these girlies because theyre not going to make it.
Am I the only one who knows how this is supposed to go?
Bachelor Cinematic Universe, remember who you are!!
Lets get into it.
Its morning in Bachelor Mansion and all the girls are already preparing to be jealous of each other.
Theyve reached an uneasy alliance thats ready to topple at any moment.
Rebekah establishes herself early as Manifestation Girl.
You gotta have a gimmick.
Jesse comes in to introduce the concept of dates and explain what will be going on this week.
I guess this much instruction is needed because none of the ladytestants seem to know whats going on.
The group date is basketball.
The coaches for the game are kids, there are lots of kids who are playing with the women.
Grant wants to observe the women with kids.
Anything any ladytestant does gets connected back to how she would be with kids.
She steals Grant away during the dunk contest and leaves everyone standing around with nothing to do.
Immediate reaction: mildly hilarious.
Seeing them wait for an elevator while Alli Jo taps into her New Jersey rage is very good.
But once she gets up to the roof, Zoe doesnt have a plan.
Come on, girlfriend!
Take off your top!
Slit your palms and form a blood oath!
Shes got the right idea but absolutely zero execution.
They stand around awkwardly and Grant asks her if shes having fun.
Corinne would have tied upward of seven cherry stems in her mouth by now.
The women are losing nails left and right!
Zoe and Alli Jo are playing like theyre on the 90s Detroit Pistons.
In the end, the Purple Team absolutely dominates and Chloie wins MVP.
The crowd chants Kiss!
and they share a quick kiss before Chloie gets Grants letterman jacket.
Its time for the evening portion of the date.
Meanwhile, the rest of the ladytestants are trying to impress upon Zoe that what she did was wrong.
In fact, it was probably encouraged by production, if they didnt give her the idea.
Its being framed as disrespectful.
I wouldnt call it disrespectful.
Id call it inelegant execution of a brilliant idea.
If youre gonna steal him away, at least get a kiss.
They all say it was the wrong place, wrong time.
Zoe asks, When is the right time?
When were at home, without him?
Alli Jo says that Zoe didnt earn that time with Grant.
For someone who says shes ready to fight, Alli Jo is doing a lot of complaining.
Meanwhile, Natalie is off earning that group-date rose.
They talk about how their future kids would be tall and they would have to be athletes.
Ive never wanted someones future child to play the oboe more.
Later, Grant gives Juliana a hand massage because her nails snapped off.
Hes really into her.
When the Bachelor is bringing you a gimmick on the group date, thats a good sign!
Zoe takes the time to tell him shes emotionally guarded.
Grant says hes ready to kick those walls down.
Sorry, Alli Jo, youre cooked.
When the ladytestants are all back together, Alli Jo asks Zoe, Whats your problem?
You want your time?
You had it, baby girl.
You need that much attention?
In chess, they call that a Newark Opening.
Zoe has the only response: No one said you couldnt take him or say no.
And thats how you play the game.
Natalie gets the group-date rose.
Its time for THE WORST ONE-ON-ONE DATE IN MEMORY.
Alexe and Grant go to the mall at night.
Thats it???????
Everything is dark, and the only things open are a mattress store and one food stand.
What happened to the budget?
Does Grant hate Alexe?
Or get to try flipping a shrimp into a chefs hat in an empty Benihana.
This is just walking to your car when the movie gets out.
This is Midnight Showing ofStar Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menacecore.
When its time for their romantic dance, Grant just puts a tape in a boom box!!
Alexe gets the rose but Id be worried about her long-term prospects.
The performance or writing date should be episode three or later.
Episode-two group dates should be silly-outfit or obstacle-course based.
But really whats going on here?
Im choosing not to comment on Grants rap.
Its Black History Month and I dont want to tear down one of my brothers like that.
The two standout performances are Rebekah, who loves to perform and writesMrs.
Carolina wins and gets to dance with Grant while Mario serenades them.
By the end of the song, she has fully mounted him and theyre making out.
Im putting her in my final four.
But of course, this sets everyone off.
Rightly so, but the reaction is truly wild.
Grant comes in for the evening portion of the date and notices immediately that the vibes are weird.
He pulls Rebekah aside and asks her whats going on.
Shes about to manifest everyone into a Bad Time.
Then the other baffling interaction of the episode happens.
She is triggered by this and of course someone has told her no.
Why does he think shes on the show?
Hes giving her an Old Head compliment.
The man is Kenneth Babyface Edmondscoded.
If he asks if you wanna knock boots, he aint talking about Timbs!
If hes talking about his pony and his saddle is waiting aint no horse in sight, baby.
She gets the group-date rose.
Its time for the cocktail party and the main story is Bailey cannot stop weeping.
Oh, and the theme is Emotional Availability.
She does not accomplish her goal.
And this is another one I just cant puzzle out.
It seems like she knows shes not doing well and just cant course-correct, but is there more there?
She says she compensates with being funny and having a good time.
Can the funny just report to the front?
Later, Zoe flips Grant to the ground.
Hottest of hot bitch moves.
Its time for the Rose Ceremony.
Vicky, Rebeka, Allysha, and a completely distraught and delusional Ella go home.
The shortest dress Ive ever seen in my life!
