The Bachelor
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Do you like these things?
Does any other recapper do them?
The answer to both is I dont fucking know, but this week, Ive got a real doozy.
(See, I told you it was a doozy.)
The whole purpose of the class was to compare these two giants of 17th-century French drama.
Readers, I cannot tell you any specifics or even anything that I read for this class.
It was 900 years and two rounds of chemo ago.
The brain she fried.
(DOES ANYONE LIKE THIS?
IS ANYONE HAVING FUN??)
In one subgenre, the queen was mad or immoral, and everyone had to deal with her bullshit.
(I DO NOT REMEMBER!)
My professors eyes lit up and she said, Well, youve got a thesis statement right there.
Im pretty sure I got a C in the class.
But the point was good!
These are not the usual concerns on a season ofThe Bachelor.
Honestly, I could have stopped the list at worried about being chosen.
I have zero memory of Arie worrying about being chosen.
Arie was mainly worried how it would look that he was into Bekah and she was 21 years old.
There wasnt a thought or concern rattling around in that PPP Loan recipients head.
Joey is a complex female character and I support our Bachelorette.
Lets get into it.
Were in Jasper, Alberta, Canada!
Theres geese, and deer, and bears, oh my!
Lil Joey is riding into town on another motorcycle.
Do we know motorcycles to be a thing about him?
Was this revealed in a previous season?
He has floppy tennis boi energy.
Hollywood, Ive got a viable use for AI.
Its the week before Hometowns and Joey is doing his weekly tennis lesson with Jesse.
Joey wants to see to it hes confident in each connection before he meets anyones family.
Also, Im sorry arent there usually more one-on-ones when there are only six people left?
You could easily do three one-on-ones and have a smaller group date.
It was tough and efficient just like Rachel.
Also, Jenn is very much getting an edit this episode.
She starts out by saying she wants to just get naked and cuddle in the woods.
The first date card arrives and it goes to Daisy!
Joey and Daisy meet near some horses and theyre going to ride around in the wilderness.
Theyre both wearing autumnal colors and muted neutrals and there are lush green trees behind them.
I write in my notes, This is white-people porn.
This man LOVES HER.
He has fallen and fallen hard.
She keeps saying, I wont tell him I love him and presents it like a moral stance.
There are definitely gentler ways for her to say what she wants to say.
Back at the lodge, the ladytestants are flogging themselves and ripping their hair out.
Jenn has to leave the room to cry.
Daisy quickly says, Oh, it was really bad when explaining why her family is so protective.
Can I see myself getting there?
Do I want to?
In a way, am I already falling for you?
She gets the rose.
Shes going to hometowns!
Hes fully in love with Daisy.
Time for the group date.
The women all have a different approach and the lumberjilling really has no impact on the day.
Rachel is secretly amazing at being a lumberjill because she woodworks with her dad.
Kelsey T. wants to get an A in Group Date Activities and throws herself all in.
Maria says she prefers glamping instead of camping and once again, I am her.
Jenn sneaks off to make out with Joey in front of everyone.
Weve never had this many hot bitches in one season.
Rachel says, What the hell?
Are you for real right now?
upon seeing Jenn make out with Joey.
Going into the evening portion of the date, everyone is anxious and needs that time with Joey.
Maria is having a meltdown because her man kissed another woman.
More proof that Joey is living a Bachelorette narrative.
Maria is exhibiting classic contesticle behavior right now.
Why cant [he] be mine?
God, I love a liberal-arts education.
Everyone is using their time to talk about what a hometown visit would be like.
Seriously, Rachel is out here doing an all-time run.
Maria sits down with Joey and she emotion-vomits all over him.
He says shes always discounting their connection when she talks about seeing him with other women.
She says that their one-on-one date actually made it worse because it was so special to her.
Joey asks her if she can get there or if her mind is made up.
She actually gets up and walks out crying and Joey says he doesnt know what to do.
What he should do is just tell her that hes hot for her!
Tell her something unique about your relationship!
She comes back and apologizes for overreacting.
He tells her that it wasnt an overreaction, its just how she was feeling.
Okay, I love him again.
His refrain is if he makes it to the end with someone, hes all in.
Joey, shes a lil crazy.
No one gets the group date rose.
Its time for Kelsey A.s date.
They have a classic strolling-around-the-city date and they talk to a Typical Canadian named Paul.
If you asked me to guess the name of a Canadian, Id start with Paul.
Paul tells them that theres a polar-bear plunge and Kelsey is SO EXCITED.
I cant even imagine what you went through but also what your dad went through.
Your dad sounds like one amazing man, he sounds like someone who would make an amazing father-in-law.
She gets the rose.
Shes going to Hometowns!
They head outside to make out and a deer is watching them.
Rachel turns to Daisy and says, I thought we didnt have time to talk to him tonight.
Joey sits down with Maria and shes clearly calmed down and planned out what she wants to tell him.
He sends her back to the rose ceremony room with a performance-improvement plan in place.
Finally, Rachel and Maria get the roses.
Theyre heading to Hometowns!
Again, an all-time come-from-behind move from Rachel.
But that means Jenn and Kelsey T. are going home.
Kelsey T. doesnt sayanythingbut Joey tells her that he appreciates everything shes been.
Jenn says she wants to find her person and that hes as special as Joey.
Do I think theyre going to make a run at make Jenn the Bachelorette?
If not, shell be queen of Paradise.
Marias dads shirt is VERY open!
Kelseys dad is tough!
Daisys mom is tough!
Rachel is fully weeping?!?!
?
