The Bachelor
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Im learning more and more about Joey each week.
With each little interaction, Im getting more and more insight into who this little cream puff is.
Lets be clear: Im not learning anybiographical information,like where hes from or who his family is.
Ive seen him hold a tennis raquet, and thats enough for me.
Ive seen a lot of people online talk about how Lil Joey is a man written by a woman.
If Lil Joey is one thing, hes anactive listener.He is following up a statement with a question.
Hes repeating key information.
Hes telling the reader during Out Loud Reading Circle who is struggling to take their time.
This man has big Classroom Aide energy, and Im here for it.
I feel like this hazelnut eclair is going to guide us through.
It is a BREATH of FRESH!
yo continue to gently parent us through the season, Lil Joey.
Weve all got big feelings.
Lets get into it.
Okay,The Bachelorediting team.
Youre starting at the end and then flashback to the beginning.
This week, were seeing Lauren have a red-velvet-related crisis.
But were not there yet.
like, dont curse us, Jesse.
(Remember when Shein was a sketchy Amazon vendor that we all knew not to buy?
What a time that was.)
There will be two group dates and a one-on-one date.
Who … who are all these people at this reception?
The Craigslist ad for this must have been nuts.
This is what SAG striked for.
Im getting the sense that Evalin has never done anything casually in her entire life.
(Also, insert every Twitter meme of that GIF of theguy jumping on the judge here.)
The random guests clink their glasses to encourage Jess and Joey to smooch, and Taylor is FURIOUS.
She doesnt buy Jesss Little Southern Girl bit and says, Im not trying to be a bitch.
Haha, girl, yes you are.
Rachel gets the first dance, and she and Joey are serenaded by legendary performer Michael Bolton.
ABC said, We need these goddamn ratings!
Up the music budget!
Rachel steals several make-outs on the dance floor, and its time for the after-party.
Let me just say this: I kind of love Maria?
She laughs and says, Im not trying to seduce you.
What a hot bitch.
She comes back to the group, and everyones eyes pop out of their heads.
Maria is playing fourth- and fifth-dimensional chess.
(The fifth dimension is nipples.)
The real emotional core of the after-party is Joey sitting down with Jess.
It reminds her of her past relationship, where there was a lot of infidelity.
She gets the group date rose.
Back at the mansion, Daisy gets the one-on-one date card.
Any change in your health can definitely affect how you see yourself as a partner and in relationships.
Trust me, I should know.
Where Daisy is on her journey toward accepting and embracing her disability is where she is.
Lil Joey takes out his notebook and makes a note of everything shes telling him.
Hereally, reallylikes her.
She gets the rose.
Its time for the second group date and … uh … what a big ol nothing.
Boot camp just ends up being a few jumping jacks while Demi checks her makeup.
Then theyre going to play Paint Wars and …
There are not really any rules, and no one gets eliminated.
Listen, they had to arrange for Bahama (Did I hear that right?
), so I guess they just pulled this one out of the classics bucket.
This might be the first break shes had in her entire life.
Joey makes direct eye contact and repeats what shes saying back to her, and she starts crying.
She gets the group date rose.
Back at the house, the absolute dumbest fight is brewing.
Madina says that shes the oldest in the house, and her time is limited because shes 49.
Oh no, Im sorry, I wrote that down wrong.
She says, Own it, Madina!
Joey probably loves it!
He probably thinks its hot!
Sydney says, Im not going to tolerate that.
Sydney spins this to mean that Maria is belittling how Madina feels, and Joey needs to know.
Its time for the cocktail party.
Im guessing seeing thePirates of the Caribbeanmovies in theaters is one of those conversation topics.
Maria wants to clarify what Sydney heard and explain herself, which is a pretty reasonable tactic.
Sydney admits she didnt really hear anything, but it was mostly Marias tone.
Meanwhile, Lauren is fully melting down.
Her leaving is such a nonevent for her, for Joey, and for everyone else.
I didnt think it was actually happening.
Time for the Rose Ceremony.
Everyone has abaaaad feelingabout next week.
Everyone gather round while Lil Joey leads us in the Feelings Circle.
