The Bachelor
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I know what youre going to say.
That was such a heartwarming episode!
I bet its going to be real fun for you to recap!
What a relief and a joy for you!
This is going to be an easy job for you this week!
OOOOOOooooh, itssooooooeasy to be me.
What an eeeeaaasssssyyy job this week!
What am I supposed to do with this?
Give mesomethingto work with here.
Where are the absolute trainwreck Hometowns of eras past?
Weve seen estranged religious fathers not even attempting a reconciliation in the middle of a Hometown date.
THEY WERE ONTO SOMETHING.
I cant do anything with this.
There wasnt even any drama about going into Fantasy Suite dates!!
Everyone has a healthy relationship with sex this season, I GUESS?!?!
Lets get into it.
First up is Kelsey A.s Hometown date in New Orleans, scored by thePrincess and the Frogsoundtrack.
Kelseys excited to show off everything she likes to do in New Orleans.
Read: ride a tandem bike, a thing that no human person has ever done.
Shes pointing them out to Joey, and he really wants to see one, too.
This date has me on the verge of tears at all times.
Its time to meet her family.
I did notice that all of these women seem to be in constant communication with their families.
I love talking to my family, but once a week is good for me.
Kelseys dad pulls out a photo album of Kelsey with her mom, and I am full-on sobbing.
I do not come toThe Bachelorfor this sincere expression of emotion.
I cannot handle it.
Her dad says that a man deserving of Kelsey will be the one she picks.
My favorite thing is when he tells Kelseys dad that his feelings make sense.
Oh, my dear Lil Joey …
Heres the thing: This episode is honestly a little repetitive.
In his attempt to be responsible with everyones feelings, Joey is sanding off the edges of his personality.
IM BORED!!!!!!!
Oh, dear God, Im bored!
My heart is warmed but Im tuning out.
Kelsey is definitely getting a rose.
Up next is Rachel in Rancho Cucamonga.
How … how did we get here?
Im not one of those people who doesnt see the connection between Rachel and Joey.
Also,did we know about this past relationship?Rachel was almost engaged??
Her family took it hard??
Rachel explains some of the customs and traditions that Joey can participate in when he meets her family.
This is a backyard party I would like to be invited to.
Joey touches her moms hand to his head and everyone flips out.
Rachels mom says that a suitor should eat the pigs ear, and Joey eats it in one bite.
Okay, white boy!
I wish I understood howhegot there with Rachel.
Rachels mom tells Joey, Yeeeeeah … we dont know you.
Thats the whole thing, and Joey is like, I can feel your hesitancy and I respect it.
Joey pulls the honestly shocking move of asking Hakim for his blessing if he decides to propose to Rachel.
Notice that Joey only asks Rachel and Marias fathers (or were only shown him asking their dads).
Its unclear if this is what Joey wants, but it answers the question.
And theres that clip from last weeks preview.
She wasnt crying because something bad happened!
She was crying because she sees a future with him and shes falling in love with him!
She says she wants it to be them at the end and this is her choosing him.
This is where she clinched that final rose.
THE STEAL OF THE GODDAMNED CENTURY.
Time to head to Becker, Minnesota!
Home of the Sherburne County Generating Station and Daisys familys former Christmas tree farm.
Nowthisis some high-octane wholesome nonsense.
AND THATS THE GAME.
Joey says, Right from the beginning, I was in trouble.
Which, as you all remember, is white girl for, We are going to bang.
If you nail it, its all the marbles.
Not like youre gonna lose your hearing over it, and they explode into tearful laughter.
Every part of it is a masterpiece.
Shoot the shot: an incredible dad version of Shoot your shot.
If you nail it, its all the marbles: just a delightful little bit of Minnesota gibberish.
Daisy tells Joey that shes falling in love, and Joey answers with, I feel the same way.
(Did I do a tennis?)
Its time for Marias Hometown date, and oh,oh, Maria.My dear sweet bad bitch.
She knows she almost fucked it all up and shes got to keep it together today.
Joey does a cartwheel onThe Maid of the Mistas they ride around Niagara Falls.
Her family is just Italian-Greek.
This television show and its audience are just not used to people with thick eyebrows and a yia-yia.
Her dad is a delight!
He says, Youd be more than a son to me because the woman you chose is my life.
Maria quietly says, I dont think youre supposed to tell me that.
BUT SHE FUMBLES!!
At the last minute, when its time to say good-bye, she just cant do it.
She says, I appreciate you being here.
Time for the Rose Ceremony.
The women all gather in a plane hanger and when Joey enters, Maria asks to talk to him.
Rachel is NOT PLEASED.
The final roses go to Daisy, Kelsey, and … Rachel.
Joey walks Maria out and tells her that he just had too many doubts going into the final weeks.
They dont even really hug good-bye.
I guess we got a little drama.
See you next week for Fantasy Suites and some terrible advice from the Golden Bachelorettes!
