The Bachelor
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It was evocative, it was moody, it was a metaphor extended past metaphor.
It had to go.
What is the actual deal?
Lets get into it.
We are still at the cocktail party with Maria completely breaking down when Madina comes to comfort her.
Yall, if Madina can get over whatever nonissue she had with Maria, everyone else can.
Hes thinking a lot about each rose.
Finally, a Bachelor who thinks about his decisions before he makes them.
Allison is returning to join her sister back in Philadelphia, and Edwina is also going home.
Relax, my sister.
Joey announces that theyre heading out from Malta and on their way to Andalusia, Spain!
Everyone feels refreshed and rejuvenated, and production decided to choose violence on this day.
Could they have put the women in the hotel and had the first-date card arrive?
But would that inflict any emotional pain?
That isnt comfort food!
Get these women a pan of paella!
Kelsey T. is hit particularly hard and cries in a Spanish alleyway.
Do I sense a late surge in the edit for Kelsey T.?
Joey and Kelsey A. have another classic walk through the city and sample local cured meats date.
Theres an old couple who tells them they look happy!
Theres a fountain where it’s possible for you to make wishes!
Someone brings them no fewer than 12 glasses of wine on a tray!
Weve all seen this date before!
Joey, you cant go on like this!
For the evening portion of the date, they head to a 13th-century bathhouse.
How is this possible?!?
Weeping emoji!Kelsey A. gets the rose!
Its time for the group date.
The group-date card says, Our love is a work of art!
Lea says it sucks that she has to be on a group date with Maria.
Is this the woman who perspectivized Joey into existence?
Is she the Pygmalion to Joeys Galatea?
All the ladies head to their canvases and Joey starts painting a portrait of himself.
He says one painting looks like Skittles and very proudly says, Thats a surfboard!
when he sees Jenns portrait.
Marias painting features thestormbeforethe calmbecause thats how their relationship has been going so far.
She gets to slather her and Joeys body with paint and roll around on a canvas.
Her mother broke every bone in her body, and Maria was pronounced dead at the scene.
If I was Joey, Id need to stop and take a lap after that information because WHOA.
And thats not even the end of the story.
Joey loves that shes opening up to him and explaining why shes always so positive.
She gets the group-date rose.
Lea reacts to this by saying in her confessional, My heart is in my ass.
Okay, that made me laugh.
I did not know Spain occupied the minds of Gen-Z women like this.
They head to a flamenco lesson, and theyre given special little boots.
Joey unfortunately chose shorts for his outfit today so his boots are on display.
Does Rachel have dance experience?
I feel like we saw a brief glimpse of her doing a hula with Joey at a cocktail party.
Because this girl has presence.
She keeps making eye contact with Joey as they flamenco, and it is electric.
Joey lets her know hes ready to listen to her whenever shes ready.
She decides she wants to tell him about being an ICU nurse and how important it is to her.
Joey says he loves what she does and is willing to learn how to support her.
Then she says, Yeah, its not like Im going to quit my job!
YES, RACHEL!!
She gets the date rose.
Thats a great sign!
Who is this final four going to be!?
Its time for the cocktail party, and production has decided to destroy Jess.
She is still feeling insecure about seeing other peoples connections with Joey.
Shes being reaMaria stole Joey.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Its giving disrespect on all sides!
What the fuck, Maria!
Listen, Maria is a Hot Bitch.
And heres the thing: He likes it!
Joey is into her!!!
Thats why youre mad, Jess!
Its not about the disrespect.
Its about the fact that Maria has dark hair and a boy likes her.
There are no rules onThe Bachelorother thanget him to like you.
Dont pull him aside too early if you already got time with him?
If he likes you, he certainly doesnt care.
So you might as well pull him aside.
Dont pull him if you already have a rose?
If hes into you, hes not going to stop you.
So if you dont have a rose, you might as well pull him aside because someone else will!
You dont get extra points for following the rules that dont exist and that only you agreed to.
Incredibly smart move by someone who likes Joey and who Joey likes!
The best thing is Maria just says yup and asks, Is there a problem?
after Jess doesnt have a retort.
She says Maria is nothing but rude and disrespectful.
Maria wants some examples.
Shes direct in a way that is very familiar if youve ever lived in New York.
Maria gets frustrated and tells Jess to grow up, which Jess definitely needs to do.
Maria is right that Jess came with the attacks first and shes always gonna speak her mind.
Theyre just annoyed that theres drama.
Oh well, its time for the rose ceremony.
Lea says the other women better come correct and know how to dress because she does.
Peep the nails, the dress, the earrings, the hair.
Jesus Christ, is she auditioning forMean Girls: The Movie: The Musical: The Movie?
Jenn, Kelsey T., Daisy, Lea, Lexi, Katelyn, and Jess all get roses.
Madina and Autumn are going home.
And the rest of the women are going to … Montreal!
Uh oh, Marias homeland.
Her magic will only grow stronger!
