The Bachelor
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This is a pretty gloomy episode ofThe Bachelor,especially for Fantasy Suites Week!
Is anyone having fun?
(Litia is).
Is anyone getting what they want out of this process?
(Litia is).
Is this going to turn out well for anyone involved?
(No, not even for Litia.
That is my prediction now.)
But for me, what is such an absolute bummer is Grant continuing to objectify the women.
Zoe was transported to another plane of existence, and she became A Wife.
The other quality all the women have to display by the episodes end is adventurousness.
The x-axis is Wife and the y-axis is Adventurous.
So lets see how each woman ranks on the Adventurous-Wife Scale.
Were in the Dominican Republic!
And oh, right, hes trying to figure out who his wife is going to be.
The first date of the week is Julianas.
She says she puts up a bubbly front to hide how emotional she is inside.
Julianas strategy seems to be emotionally white-knuckling her way through the rest of the season.
Daisy tells her that she has no regrets.
Easy to have no regrets when you ended up with Terrible Herbst the Fourth.
There are no run-and-jumps on any of these dates!
Have we rejected tradition?
I think Juliana is secretly in the lead because neither of them have doubts about each other.
And he can see her as Wife, and shes Adventurous.
Thats what love is.
That brings our Thats what love is counter to 1.
Time for the evening portion of the date.
You might think there would be some drama about Juliana feeling insecure that the other women are also there.
Nope, that doesnt happen.
Is thereanydrama or forward momentum?
No!!!!!!!!!
The only interesting thing Grant says is Thats what love is for.
RED FLAG!!!
He sees her heart and hes falling in love with her.
Information we already heard.
They get the Fantasy Suite card, and as the door closes, Juliana says Oooh, spicy!
He totally told her she was making it to the next week, right?
When Grant leaves, she calls him Mr. Ellis and says, Bye, boyfriend!
Shes really trying to get that shit over.
Who let this happen?
This date shouldnt have happened for so many reasons.
Chief among them:They dont know each other!These are two strangers.
Which is a disservice to Zoe because she seems cool!
And like someone who may just not be made for reality TV.
Their daytime date is designed to get into Zoes head.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I need Zoe to be a bad bitch and take over the date.
This is not the time to actually be silent for the entire yoga session.
You have two options: Either say screw it and joke and laugh, or go full-on sexy.
Remember, ABS: Always Be Straddling.
Instead, it seems like the two of them cant even maintain eye contact for more than 15 seconds.
Things are not looking good.
Zoe keeps saying she wants the romance and the softness.
Theyre literally still at the Tell me about yourself stage and an engagement is supposed to happen next week.
and he goes Is it blue?
Her favorite color is teal, which is honestly an insane favorite color choice.
Grant tells her about his family history and his dads struggle with addiction.
Ladies, no you dont.
You want a man who will fold the laundry unprompted.
They head to the Fantasy Suite and … where did their chemistry go?
Instead of seeing them in bed the next morning, they are heading to a picnic on the beach.
A beach at night?
Sexy, romantic, wistful.
A beachin the morning?
Frigid, uncaring, heartless.
You could hold a job interview or an intervention on the beach in the morning.
Zoe says theyre ready to build on where they are now, and oh, sweetie.
The show is giving Litia a conflicted winners edit, and Im very interested to see where this goes.
Ah yes, the zip-line date.
Grant already knows that Litia is Wife.
She might be the most Wife out of all the remaining women but is she Adventurous?
The answer is a solid no, but Grant mostly ignores that.
They head to a cenote and start talking about their future.
Listen, my familys business for basically my entire life has been addiction medicine.
My mom ran a treatment center for many years.
I dont think Were gonna move to the biggest city near my dads rehab is a thing?
Grant and Litia just keep saying, I want you to be happy.
No, I wantyouto be happy to each other.
Theres going to be a lot of self-sacrifice with these two!
Its time for the evening portion of the date.
Grant asks Litia what the next step is, and she says, Meet your family and get engaged.
Shes watched this show.
You cant trick her.
She says her timeline is to have a kid by 33, so shes got two years.
Grant seems a little freaked out by this timeline.
She says it back, and they head to the Fantasy Suites floating on air.
Because the next morning, Grant looks positively shook.
What am I gonna doooo?
And hes very confused about this.
Hes panicking about how to manage the multiple feelings hes feeling.
Time for the rose ceremony.
We all know how this is going to go down.
Zoe is eliminated, and Grant tells her how hard this has all been on him.
Zoe does a better job complimenting him and telling him hes going to find someone special.
The way I have written AND NOTHING FOR ZOE?
in my notes more than once this episode is depressing.
Then I thought my DVR had somehow traveled forward in time and started the finale episode.
Its time to meet Grants family!
RIP Freud, you would have loved Grant.
