The Bachelor
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An ABC executive stands in front of one of thoseMinority Reporttouchscreens and takes a deep breath in.
an eager technician asks as he fires up the massive screen before the executive.
The screen flickers on and emits a powerful hum.
Lets dance, the executive says as she slips on those sick-as-hell three-finger gloves.
The faces of the women fly around as the executive drags their images all across the screen.
First up, Litia.
A drop-down menu appears under Litias face with notes like Father from Fiji, Baby Voice, and Mormon.
Her eyes narrow as she drags the poster onto Litias picture and casts it off the screen.
The drop-down menu reads Italian, Boston, and Nose ring.
The executive furrows her brow.
This one wont be so easy.
She taps on Italian, and a similar mood board appears.
She scrolls and scrolls and scrolls.
She sighs and keeps scrolling again until she finds it.
Yes.The Bearon FX on Hulu.
The executive pulls up Zoes TraitMatrix, and it just says HOT written in five different languages.
Oh, I forgot.
The executive starts tapping on the words but … nothing happens.
The techs voice shaking: Theres … theres no opportunity for cross-promotional tie-ins.
The Narrative Array is completely empty!
The executive holds up a hand to the screen and uses three fingers to scroll between pictures of Dina.
She tries to scroll down further in the TraitMatrix.
Anything in the Narrative Array?
Her eyes frantically searching until she finally sees it, at the very bottom of the TraitMatrix.
A glowing red word that just says: independent.
Thats the kiss of death.
The tech goes behind the giant screen and pulls the plug.
Lets get into it.
You must be some kind of modern-day Cassandra.
What power you have.
But first, were headed to Boston OH, FUCK, ITS THE DROPKICK MURPHYS.
Yeah, I think thats all the adjectives.
He also says he has butterflies.
Juliana says shes excited to show him how Italians in Newton get down.
They go to a pizza place, and Juliana introduces him as My boyfriend, Grant.
This bitch has planted her flag.
They playfully make some heart-shaped pizzas and throw just a sexy/playful amount of flour in each others faces.
Juliana says shes starting to fall in love with him.
How weird is it that were going into Hometowns with so few confessions of Im falling for you.
Some people are still at I really like him!
Like hes some dude you met on Hinge and had five dates with.
Grant gives us an amazing insight into Julianas culture: Italians love cannolis.
Whats this ones name again?
That cant be right.
Im obsessed with the idea of a family so big that they have to resort to using last initials.
Big David, Little David, and the elusive Medium David.
Id like these women to give me all the goss in Newton over a few glasses of Pinot Grigio.
Also,herfriend group is called the Wolfpack, and Grant is looking for his wolfpack.
Not a good sign for the final few episodes.
He says, It could be a fit for me.
He talks about getting married and finding his wife like hes committing to a college team.
Juliana says shes falling in love with him.
Off to New York City!
They shoot a spread forBridesmagazine, from engagement to wedding day.
At one point, Zoe turns to him and says, Its engagement, so its soft smiles.
Hometowns are a different thing, buddy!
You didnt choose her forthis date.She chose this date!
They sit down after the photo shoot and talk about who Grant will be meeting.
We also know that Grant doesnt do well with someones life being different from his.
He tends to aggressively find commonality with whoever hes with.
So when Zoe drew a difference between herself and Grant as children of addicts, I was worried.
Zoes sister asks Grant why Zoe didnt get a one-on-one, and Im living for Faith.
He says the last two conversations gave him all he needed to know.
The ones where she cried?
Its time to head to Star Valley, Wyoming.
Grant is also nervous about this one, and I would be too!
They do a little horseback riding.
Grant and Litia also look really good together, and he seems really at ease around her.
But thats not even half of the family.
They head around back, and theres a whole yard full of people!
Just how different are we talking?
Ummm … this is, like, an attractive thing in a man?
She also says that she wants to give him a big, happy family because he never had that.
Uhhh … Is this relationship … Oedipal?
Its time for our final Hometown date in Chicago.
LikeLove Is Blindbefore it, were starting at the Riverwalk!
Grant meets Dina, and she has to break the news that her family doesnt approve of the show.
Shes also not wrong to have a feeling down in her gut that this might be her downfall.
They head to one of the thousands of pop-up-bar experiences that have littered Chicago in the last few years.
I would like to be their friend.
Grant likes that shes driven (no, he doesnt).
Her friends can feel the love (no, they cant).
Dina seems to be in control of herself, her career, and her family.
Shes just like, They cant make it, but youre gonna love Enrita and Lauren!
Grant wants to provide.
He wants to build a family.
He wants to lead the wolfpack.
And thats just not Dina, and thats fine!
The women are all forced to sit together (on the roof of the Hoxton, maybe?)
and describe their Hometown dates and count how many family members attended.
Ten, 50, 200!
What about you, Dina?
The roses go to Litia, Juliana, and Zoe.
He walks Dina out and tells her, I was developing feelings for you, and I GASPED.
Now its time for Grant to find a wife!
Next week, the Women Tell All and Fantasy Suites in the Dominican Republic.
Wait … is Grant Dominican?
Okay, lore drop!
