The Bachelorette
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Ding-dong, the dick is dead!!
Samm is NOT Luke P. Luke P. was principled; he had a motivating ethos and ideology.
Luke P. stood for something.
Samms sound bites are all from the Instagram captions of fitness influencers and pickup artists.
There is someone else in theBacheloretteCinematic Universe that Samm takes inspiration from, though: Jed.
Lets get into it.
Does every former Bachelorette live in Seattle?
Because we are about to get a parade of former Bachelorettes.
First up is Charity!
She sits down with Jenn in a coffee shop to help Jenn sort through her feelings.
Yall … what isWicked: The Musical: The Motion Picture Part 1about?
But like, what is it ABOUT?
So like, girl, I guess.
Is this the best date to send the combat veteran who was in a coma on?
Do we need to be surprising him with loud pops?
Jenn gets a letter from her mom where she apologizes for not giving Jenn a perfect family.
They head to the last stop, and its a green hot-air balloon introduced by Trista (!!)
and the Cynthia Erivo version of the Defying Gravity vocal run kicks in louder than the dialogue.
And get ready to hear it TEN MORE TIMES!
Jenn just calls it their untraditional families, which feels like the understatement of the century.
Jenn says this is the love story shes always wanted and never thought she was worthy of.
Where is this coming from?
Marcus gets the rose.
The Space Needle is lit up green.
Coming to theaters this Thanksgiving.
They head to a radio station with BENDER & JUBAL!
One thing that truly brings me joy is the name of your local morning-show radio hosts.
The morning-show hosts when I was growing up were Eddie & JoeBo.
Jason and Molly Mesnick are also there because this is a re-creation of one of their group dates.
They do some word association with the guys.
Spencer gets Rose, and he says, Me.
Samm gets Fantasy Suite, and he says, after a long pause, Aggressive.
Everyone has their head in their hands and Molly is SHOOK.
I didnt know you would be able to show love the way I know how to.
I thought the Bachelorette was gonna be Daisy or Maria.
ELIMINATE HIM ON THE SPOT.
The other jenntlemen are pissed.
), its all about Samm.
Jenn starts the cocktail party by saying theres one conversation that didnt sit right and she needs more answers.
Hes confident, Ill give him that.
In a move of complete desperation, Samm decides to tell Jenn that hes in love with her.
Jenn is frustrated and confused and just keeps asking him to say something about HER that MAKES SENSE.
Then Samm short-circuits and starts repeating Ferocious love.
There will be no group-date rose.
Jenn has some things to think about.
Before we can get to Samms downfall, its time for Jeremys one-on-one date.
Jeremy and Jenn have a playful, joking relationship.
They keep saying they have the same sense of humor and how they feel like themselves together.
Also, Jeremy has one go-to joke and its going, Is this where you kill me?
whenever Jenn leads him to a new location as they walk through Pike Place Market.
He says it twice on this date.
Do not recommend.)
Jeremy also makes a stunning move and asks to put together a bouquet for Jenn.
Im sure it was planned, but God damn, that was smooth.
He tells Jenn that his mom is an overly nice typical Jewish mother and they start talking about religion.
He gets the rose.
The jenntlemen are sitting around waiting for the cocktail party to start.
Shout-out to Jonathan and Marcus working on a Penny Press crossword book together.
My wholesome puzzle kings!
Jenn barges into the room and demands to see Samm.
She finds Samm in his room and asks him to sit down for a chat.
What the ever-loving shit is this man talking about?
It takes Jennwaayyyyytoo long in this conversation to realize that Samm is completely full of shit.
She keeps saying he doesnt understand her and that he doesnt see her.
He clearly has a speech planned and can only see and talk about his point of view.
Heres my story: Your energy soothed my nerves.
Dude, it is not about you.
Love is a bitch.
Love is a lover.
Love is a child.
Love is a mother.
Love is a sinner.
Love is a saint, I do not feel ashamed.
Jenn finally asks him to summarize their one-on-one date and everything he learned about her that night.
Samm takes a long pause and finally says, Ferocious.
On his way out, Samm says, The energy she brought was very dull.
Keep the main thing the main thing.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Devin gets the first rose and whispers, Youre the best.
And the final hometown rose is … Jonathan.
GRANT AND SPENCER NOO!!!!
Grant says hes ready to give everything to someone and Spencer calls his mom and cries a lil bit.
I want both to be co-Bachelors.
Next week Hometowns!
!
