The Bachelorette
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Hang on, something feels different …
A two-rose-ceremony episode?
A lil shrimpy ex-boyfriend got sent home with absolutely no fanfare?
This combined with the folksiest possible man being selected for the vice-presidential candidate?
Friends, I think we can win this.
It really feels like this season is starting to pick up steam.
Men are going home at an alarming rate.
), and were two weeks away fromHOMETOWNS?!?!?
!Where has the summer gone?
Demand to scroll back through their Instagram DMs.
Something is in retrograde!
Lets get into it.
Awww, man, all the jenntlemen were so happy.
Dylan says hes never had brothers and all of the other guys are his brothers.
They can all feel God in this Chilis tonight.
Jenn meets up with Jesse, who is on Matts side?!?!?
Jesse, no!!
Its FOMO disguised as a romantic gesture.
I would still like to hear about the series of weddings that Matt is missing to be here.
So shell be right back, dont freak out.
Everyones hearts drop into their buttholes.
Austin starts the conversation by asking, Does anyone want to talk on that?
This feels like something we should dive into (along with his Instagram and Twitter likes).
He says hes been cheated on in the past, and Jenn entertaining her ex is setting him off.
He says if she brings Matt into the house, his rose doesnt mean anything.
Well, he doesnt have to worry because Jenn is NOT.
Thats generally what happens when you break up and three years pass.
He keeps saying their bond is getting strong, but hes unable to articulate any specifics about their relationship.
Matt finally walks into the cocktail party and, wow, what a lil pipsqueak.
Time for the rose ceremony.
Grant, Jeremy, Jonathan, Spencer, Dylan, and Austin all get roses.
John and Thomas are both going home.
Jesse reads from the Auckland board of tourism website about the amazing coffee culture!
Its time for the date cards this week, and Austin is ready for his narrative this episode.
No time for that, though, because Jonathan is getting the first one-on-one date of the week.
What a lil cutie.
Like, maximum levels of cutie-pie-ness.
Jonathan is testing out his possibleThe Bachelorarc that hes looking for a rom-com love.
What happened in the casting this season that every single guy was in a toxic relationship?
Must be over five-foot-ten, 2634, at least one broken engagement?
Jenn talks more about her emotionally abusive ex and says that helps explain who Jonathan is.
He says that hes looking for that Rom-com bang out of LoveTM.
Jenn feels like they have a lot in common and theyve learned the same lessons from their relationships.
Ladies and jenntleman, your Bachelor front-runner.
This also means that Austin is slowly going insane.
For the group date in the countryside, the contesticles have popped on some plaid flannels.
Some have chopped them up for a more new unique DIY look.
Jeremy has turned his into a crop.
Austin has slashed his into a racerback halter.
This was just soothing ASMR to me.
I just leaned my head back and watched sweet little sheep leap over nothing like popcorn popping.
Jenn and the contesticles fruitlessly trying to herd sheep into a closed gate.
Gentle fools, sweet idiots, soft sheep.
None of this matters.
Im finally at peace.
Quick question: Why are they playing aggressive stereotypical American southern banjo music for this segment?
Shouldnt they be playing some didgeridoos and Men at Work?
This is how you win!
Tell her shes pretty and her boots are cool!
Devin fucking gets it.
Its time for the evening portion of the date and Austin has had enough.
He sits Jenn down and tells her that it wouldnt be fair if he continued his journey.
She doesnt really pressure him for an explanation and immediately interprets him leaving as her doing a bad job.
JENN!!!!!!!!
My dear sweet Jenn!!!
God damn it, Samm.
Its time for Grants one-on-one date, and theyre riding horses along the seaside!
I, like Snoop Dogg at the Olympics, want to see the horses.
Grant is another top-tier sweetie who seems to be expressing romantic thoughts and feelings for the first time.
Jenn opens up about how her father wasnt present and as a result, she sought out bad partners.
Its not enough for Jenn to get engaged.
I want to run her ex over with my car.
(Also, this makes the revelations about Devins likes seem even worse for Jenn.
Oh, honey.)
He gets the rose.
OH, SWEETIE PIE!
Youre having some big feelings and not everyone needs to hear them right now.
Anyone else notice that everyone in the final seven are all lighter than a paper bag?
Dylans final words: This sucks.
See you next week for The Week Before Hometowns!
