Summer House
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Im so utterly disappointed in theSummer Housekids.
They barely order anything from Amazon.
Did you see the sad smattering of packages accumulated by the front door this Fourth of July weekend?
It was like one trip.
Where is the giant village of Amazon orders that were used to?
Where are the cases and cases of Loverboy Spritz?
This is a travesty, this, this, this … dusting.
The other absolutely scandalous thing is that their landlord didnt even bother to fix that sticky front door.
If that could be fixed, then summer would be perfect.
Well, that and getting Carl and Lindsay to get along.
Well, those two and gettingCiarato talk toWest.
Okay, all of those things, but then also, Jesse Solomon (always both names!)
not humiliating himself in front of his new love object.
If we can account for all of those things, this will be a delightful summer.
The only issue, Jesse Solomon says.
Then West asks if he has ever J-ed in the house, and Jesse Solomon says no.
Then West says hes always J-ing off in the house.
Were like three minutes in, and hot guys with mustaches are talking about their masturbation habits.
This is the best premiere ever, and we havent seen Kyles milky-white ass yet.
Oh, sorry, guess now its Sally fromSouthern Charm.
Lexi is possibly the worlds oldest living Canadian child model.
Ive never heard of her.
Jesse Solomon and Lexi are immediately smitten with each other.
The sad thing is that Jesse Solomon has no game.
He has the opposite of game.
He has, I dont know, rain delay.
Jesse Solomon is incapable of flirting but also all over Ciara.
The two recent additions are the only new news we need to address.
The rest is old news, starting with West and Ciara.
She decided that he was annoying and she wanted to let everyone know what a loser he was.
I totally get it.
But I think Ciara is missing the point a little bit here.
Damn, that was cold.
Things seem to be hard for Wiara now, but I see a melting on the horizon.
Well get you an even bigger, even baggier, even pinker shirt.
Like a shirt so big and pink it looks like the sewage treatment plant in Barbieland.
Thats what were going to do.
Im very happy for Lindsay.
That doesnt mean Im not excited for her, but the timeline is kinda tight.
No, thats not it, Carl.
Thats not it at all.
This wasnt about Carl, the new partner, Lindsays embarrassment, or even the baby.
It was about the show.
Thats the bad taste I got in my mouth about this whole thing.
Does she need to go over it again?
She has it down.
The whole thing was so staged, so mediated, that it drove me crazy.
Should I have prepared remarks?
And Lindsay is like, I didnt prepare anything, either.
Girl, you sure did.
You practiced it 17 different ways in the car ride up here.
Where do you even get a glamour shot of a fetus anyway?
Do they offer that at the CVS photo kiosk?
It was all just so fake.
I get that its a big moment for Lindsay, but this is a reality show.
It shouldnt feel so orchestrated.
No, she couldnt.
She had to start, Eight years ago … Why eight years ago?
That is when the show started, and that is when Lindsays public journey started.
She needed to reminduswhat happened.
Especially because her speech was more than 20 minutes long.
What does her first summer with Everett have to do with this baby?
Time to move on, Brian!
Summer has only just started, but, girl, things sure are already heated.
