Southern Charm
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Is that just a regular square?
Is it four little lines just separate and free-floating in space?
Is it one line?
Is it an arc?
Do I need sine, cosine, or tangent?
I dont know, sister.
This is the episode where it all ended.
Taylor and Shep are dunzo, as are Austen and Olivia.
Olivia and Taylor dont even greet each other at the big finale party.
But, yeah, still a little bit broken.
The only thing that happens in this episode is Whitneys party to christen the cottage in Miss Pats backyard.
He says its part pub, part office.
Any and all of these are Whitneys offices.
Since its his party, he gets to set the theme, and Whitney choosesRuss MeyerslashFaster, Pussycat!
Kill!slashBeyond the Valley of the Dolls.
Do you think they all know Peaches is the favorite?
Do you think they all secretly hate Peaches and torture her when Miss Pat isnt around?
Are they like ralphing in her food and tinkling on her leg when theyre all outside in the garden?
Since Whitney cant wrangle Peaches, instead he gives her Roy.
He is a sonuvabitch if I ever saw one in my life.
That dude is gonna shank Peaches in her sleep.
Most everyone misses the assignment.
Olivia is wearing a Pop Art dress.
We saw more of JTs mother than we saw of this lady.
There are only two who really show up with the outfits.
The other, duh, is Paige.
She looks like a brunette Daphne fromScooby-Doo, and it is absolutely perfect.
The first conversation of consequence at the party is between JT and Olivia.
Okay, well, not literally but figuratively.
I feel like JT was set up by the producers (and Rod) with this one.
Then right before the party they juiced him up: You have to tell her how you feel.
If you dont do it now, youll never have a chance.
Are you going to let assholes like Austen get all the girls?
Then we all just laughed as he melted into a puddle of sadness.
Next we get cross-cuts between two conversations.
The first, and shorter, one is between Austen and Olivia.
Austen says that Olivia is inconsistent with him, sometimes fighting and laughing at other times.
Everyones talking about how Austen is so horrible, selfish, and narcissistic.
Have they not been watching this here reality-television program, with all episodes now streaming on Peacock?
Of course he is.
That is literally him.
Need him to prove it?
Give me about 23 minutes to stop laughing.
She even says incredulously, You thoughtIwas going to apologize toyou?
Thats essentially the end of the conversation, bar a bit more shouting and deserved recriminations from Olivia.
She barges out into the rain; thats how badly she wants to get away.
What does that even mean?
What kind of way is that to talk about a friendship?
Anyway, Taylor says she wishes that a cool step would be for them to get back together.
Shep doesnt want this.
What if I wanted to date Austen?
Taylor tells Shep that she cares about us, but he tells her that us is over.
She asks if thats true, then why are they there?
No, he didnt, but he essentially did.
With the Love Rhombus entirely disassembled, one more fight must be had.
I have never seen someone act like a cartoon bully in my life until that instant.
(What can I say?
I like blondes.Billy Zabka, my DMs and legs are open.)
JT calls Austen a snake and a coward, which is totally accurate.
Again, the accuracy has me dying.
I dont like JT.
I find him sniveling, arrogant, self-righteous, and try-hard.
However, he makes very good points.
But weve never heard it from a man before.
He pushes JT off the stool, where he lands on his feet both miraculously and gracefully.
Did I get it all wrong?
Did I think that he is a small human, but he is actually a large house cat?
JT starts chest-thumping him, telling him to do it again.
you could say a lot about JT, but he is not afraid of a fight.
Austen, however, is a sniveling coward.
He says that JT hit him first; he headbutted him.
Thats so like Austen.
To misbehave wildly and then to blame someone else for it.
To do something rash and then give a shot to weasel out of it with some half-assed half-lie.
Austen says, Ten years never physical contact, and then you come in.
What is he talking about?
The show has only been on nine years and Austen missed the first, what, four?
Is he saying that he hasnt hit anyone in ten years and JT finally made him do it?
Whatever he means, Austen finally snapped and physically assaulted a cast member.
(Is this a fireable offense?
Because it sure was for Monique Samuels.)
Whitney is with Austen in the bushes, their heads close together, whispering in each others ears.
The noise Whitney is making is whiskey-soaked and sounds like the rain hitting a distant roof.
It sounds like sense, like a reckoning.
