Fine Lines
A Vulture series in which artists break down lyrics to their latest album.
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Theres a degree of main-character syndrome that sometimes comes with trauma, says 25-year-old breakout singer Rachel Chinouriri.
I think I had a lot of that when I was younger.
But it also delves into darker topics, including death, eating disorders, and self-harm.
But Chinouriri says shes no longer drawn to people who follow her old playbook of wallowing in sadness.
I almost find them … not annoying, but Im like, Get your shit together!
she says, shaking her fists.
It doesnt have to be this bad!
Chinouriri is speaking to a bigger audience than ever now.
She first turned to music in high school in part because of racist bullying from fellow students.
Thats a reason to celebrate.
It could have ended in many different ways, and its ended with me having an album.
.What a Devastating Turn of Eventstracklist:
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What were you hoping to evoke?I used throwing up because it sounds like growing up.
you’ve got the option to never get back to the Garden of Eden once youve been exiled.
For me, that was my house growing up.
Its just that moment of realization of getting older and not wanting to leave this place but having to.
Thats what I wanted to represent.
Were growing the wrong way round.
Black people have been made to feel like they dont belong in the U.K. many times.
Ive almost normalized that feeling to some extent.
And then being Black in indie music in the U.K. is awhole other struggle.
I like the fact that its been able to be relatable in all those different aspects.
It was almost scary that people werent looking at me when I walked.
Theres an invisibility I get from being in London, too.
That feeling is like my weakness.
You say this person never swims and later add that you cant swim with them pulling you down.
Why did you choose swimming as a metaphor?Its probably because Im a triple water sign.
Scorpio, Scorpio, Pisces, Scorpio, just endless amounts of fucking water.
I do enjoy swimming.
But also, the song is about a real person who had an alcohol-abuse problem.
And my dad had a drinking problem cause ofthe war, and he got epilepsy from drinking.
Its unfortunate that Ive seen that happen.
I dont want to end up back in that.
So I have this just keep swimming thing.
I dont wanna drown in someones situation when Ive got my own situations Im trying to swim through.
Did you know from the start it was going to be such an upbeat track?No.
I think it was literally when I sent the person the song is about the message cutting him off.
But I also dont think hes willing to get out of it.
There hit a point where I got fed up of babying him.
He would call me for hours complaining when there was a very clear solution.
Its quite satisfying to sing it now because I dont speak to him anymore.
My last EP is about him.
Thing is, I blocked him on every platform.
I just like to pretend people have, I guess, died in that sense.
So Ill never get answers to those questions.
There was a time when I was trying to, and he never gave them to me.
He would just be like,Well, what do you expect me to do?
But even though Im fully healed from the situation, sometimes Im like,Damn!
You have to decide,Is this worth losing?
What made you realize that for yourself?This song definitely pushed me to break up with my ex.
I wrote this about my friends breakup but while I was still with him.
I think finishing this song and listening to it was me being like,Oh, crap.
I know what I need to do now, actually.
I dont understand how no one else has got you, youre the most beautiful person Ive ever seen.
And its just kind of like, Well, youve not asked me out.
I think it is what it is is kind of a phrase to end a situation.
My therapist has taught me well, but Im someone who sometimes would like to seek revenge.
Being the bigger person is pretty bloody tough sometimes.
Why was it important for you to strike a more conversational tone?
The song also includes spoken verses and voice notes from friends.I dont think it really happened on purpose.
Usually I start with melody, but all the words were coming instead.
It was very casual and chatty.
The day we went in to finish the song, things had changed.
Leroy was like,Is that guy still ignoring you?
I was like,Nope, we just spoke for like seven hours yesterday.
I was definitely having some terrible dating decisions during the album-writing process.
I was in a session with Kenny Beats, and I was talking about missing my friend Mae.
How we always make these stupid decisions, drinking dumb-bitch juice.
And he was like, That would be a good song title.
Would you consider yourself sober from dumb-bitch juice?Absolutely.
Okay, let me not say that as keenly.
I think a strong YES, in capital letters.
Chaos used to feel safe, and now I find it quite annoying.
Do I like to go out and have a tequila shot sometimes?
Do me and my friends make silly decisions when we go out?
But its not as frequently, and I know when to go home.
In a way, alcohol did play a massive effect.
This song suggests that youre partly responsible for getting hurt when you ignore your better judgment.
How do you navigate self-forgiveness?I work really well with tough love.
My mum is tough as fuck; that woman is a machine.
Did you do your shoelaces?
I didnt raise an idiot, go and learn from your own mistakes.
This song is definitely the point where its like,Okay, its no longer funny.
Its actually not fun at all.
Even when it comes to things like suicide.
Thats the choice she made.
On top of being a whore, youre a murderer.
There was just so much nasty, vulgar language used around her situation.
My mums quite old school.
So in my brain, it was always men to some degree in charge.
And going to a very racist school, the white boys could get away with absolutely anything.
I was around 11, noticing a difference with the way Black boys were seen.
Once Id even get past the race hurdles, there was the being a woman hurdle.
Were you still in that mind-set on this album?Yes.
I feel lucky that Ive had access to therapy.
My life balance back then was quite poor.
My Blood is about self-harm.
I would pull out my hair from stress, and then I would miss therapy.
Its kind of like,Oh, do I like this feeling then?
And people kind of dont care about the needs until its too late.
Theres a balance, and I learned a lot of that when writing My Blood for sure.
What would you say to somebody who relates to these lyrics?One, youre not alone.
For me, I think I would panic about all these hypothetical situations.
Just sitting there not doing anything at all is worse.
When I was getting bullied, I heard Fix You for the first time on the way home.
When you try your best, but you dont succeed.
I just burst into tears after the first line.
I never got to meet either of them.
The message is exactly what it needs to be: Someone has passed, and we were robbed.
I think that is more heartbreaking than trying to make something overly complex.
Has your family heard the album?Not yet.
But I think they know what I write about.
My mum has seen so much death since she was 13.
Thats not normal to say to a child, but she would say that and more.
She hasnt processed a lot of stuff shes gone through.
Now shes getting older, and she feels like she can kind of let go.
Before she was like, What do you mean youre traumatized?
Now shes like, Okay, I understand it.
My team actually sent them the song, and they said they liked it.
And sometimes I feel like I wanna scream into nothing.
It was almost a primal vibe of letting go.
I dont think I did it in that many takes.
I remember it felt quite easy.
I think humans know what is natural, and the world we live in is very unnatural.
With beauty standards, its the whole unnaturalness of wanting to be something that you physically cant be.
Especially as an African woman, Im quite curvy.
I could never be like the Kate Mosses, because my natural anatomy is not like that.
Even though in my brain I knew that, I was still doing it anyway.
Were you writing this song while you were experiencing this?No.
I was so happy within my own body and my own skin.
I was actually really far from that situation.
I dont think I realized how much it affected me until I actually wrote the song and reflected back.
It happened in the pandemic when I was 21 to 22.
And I was a size 6 to 8; my clothes were extra small to small.
And Id also just started contraception.
He was a very good-looking model, so thats probably what was contributing to it.
But I gave him the sass.
I remember walking out, like, Dont ever say that to me again.
Go and look for a new girl.
But I contracted COVID maybe a couple days after that, and I couldnt eat anything.
I lost so much weight but really drastically.
So it was kind of a reflective moment, thinking about really appreciating and loving someone.
I was single as fuck and still in my men-are-trash era at that point.
But I always told myself, once I find that person, Ill give them this song.
I sent him this song, and he was like, This is really sweet.
He ended up asking me out, and Ive been with him for just over four months now.
I think being rejected by Marcus was one thing, which happened when I was 16.
But maybe in the last year or so …
I didnt realize how terrible my relationship with men was.
Most of my best friends are women.
A lot of my male friends that I did have knew me when I was in a five-year relationship.
But this year, I was like, I want to change that.
Its like, no, maybe I just appreciate our friendship.
And now Ive got male friends, and we hang out.
Its been a good journey to experience and be on.
With this coming after Pocket, the album closes with a sense of optimism.
Do you think that will carry into your next body of work?I dont know.
And now I feel like Im ready to have a bit more fun.
But that could be the third or fourth album.
I think maybe I need to carry on on this songwriter indie kind of vibe for another album.
Ive already got a few song titles.
I feel like it can kind of go anywhere.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
If you or anyone you know are in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.
