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The voice-over continues ominously, Irishly But what if it does …?
This is the first of thousands of indicators that a human being did not write this screenplay.
Maddie is late for a flashy, paparazzi-attended book premiere (??)
3.The book in question isTwo Irish Hearts,by caddish author Paul Kennedy, Maddies longtime client and crush.
Seymour is audibly struggling to order $74 toilet paper on a website called School Supplies of America.
The large bottle of keyboard cleaner that sits next to her, huffably, might explain this entire movie.
Hey, girls, she says.
They all hug systematically.
Wheres the scarf I gave you to wear?
I totally get it if you never want to loan me anything again, says Maddie.
Dont worry about it, Mads, says Emma.
That scarf was a sample from work.
Maddie turns robotically to Heather, who is played by Ayesha Curry.
Heather, she says, great job on the cover art.
This is the first time Maddie has seen the cover for the book she has just edited.
Its stunning, says Maddie.
What do you think, Emma?
The girls cab home through a poorly green-screened Times Square as Maddie jealously negs Emma.
Dressed in a blazer and rolled-up Capris like Sheryl Sandberg ca.
On the way, he shits on Paul Kennedy, not knowing her relationship to him.
Heather will inexplicably obsess over Kory for the rest of the movie despite having almost no interactions with him.
Good to see you, they both conclude.
The scene abruptly ends.
10.Another major exposition dump, this time for Maddie.
Is everything okay with you?
You seem a little off, says Heather, the least perceptive friend on earth.
She suggests they all have a girls night (in rural Ireland).
Maddie says yes, and Heather says, Thank you.
They never do the girls night.
12.Maddie awakens suddenly in her new life.
Paul is showering in her bathroom.
She screams and covers her eyes despite having wanted nothing else but to fuck Paul for years.
13.Maddie pulls a wedding dress, raw, out of her suitcase.
This photo is zoomed in on several times over the course of the film.
Everyone is in pearls and heels.
The dialogue takes on an exponentially uncanny tone, from which it never recovers.
Why can I not find a photographer forthiswedding?
asks Pauls mom about the wedding thats happening in two days.
Because youre horrible, Mom, says Gay Kory cheerfully.
16.Much of Pauls Irish family is British, and nobody explains this.
17.You have to try these local woodland strawberries.
Theyre delicious, says Heather out of the fucking blue.
18.Oh, I meant to tell you: The bakery called.
The wedding cake we ordered is too tall for the delivery truck, says Pauls mom.
Could you … get a smaller cake?
Well done, dear, says Pauls mom.
I like your thinking, says Pauls dad.
Finally, someone with some sense!
None of this is ever addressed again.
Everyone is wearing new outfits.
Heathers unexplained twin fixations on fruit and Kory continue apace.
Emma and I are going down to the family orchard later to pick some apples.
Kory, do you want to come with us?
(Kory cant pick apples; hes busy playing some kind of sport, gayly.)
Is this some kind of QAnon thing?
Regardless, fruit is never addressed again.
This is presented as problematic.
21.At the local rare-books shop, James wins a free copy of Pauls rare best-selling novel.
22.Maddie, trying on wedding dresses next door, falls into Jamess convertible.
Pauls mom appears and congratulates her for having found a photographer.
Any time traveler will recognize this as an unethical seduction tactic.
23.Maddie winks at herself in the mirror.
Youre marrying Paul Kennedy!
The glaring subtext is that Maddie is a staunch virgin (because she is not married).
24.Maddie and James go location-scouting alone because Paul is grievously injured from the night before.
They stand at the staggeringly beautiful edge of the Cliffs of Moher.
I think I just stepped into a James Joyce novel, says Maddie.
Thats not a reference I was expecting, says James.
Joyce is my favorite author, says Maddie.
Unfortunately, I dont think a rugged cliff is Pauls style, says Maddie.
But I think its beautiful here.
Me too, says James, astonished.
This conversation forms the central foundation of their fledgling love.
Wow, says Heather.
This looks like fun.
So Heather, I was talking to Kory about the big wedding-aisle walk, he says.
Should we all practice so we can make asplaaaashyentrance?
He wiggles his hips suggestively.
Ive got my eye on you, Finn.
Dont steal my spotlight, says Paul randomly.
Ive got moves I aint gonna lie, says Finn.
I have lost all bearings on anyones sexuality at this point.
27.Jane Seymour sleeps through her alarm owing to Irish magic and misses her flight.
Maddie and James cant drive back to the castle.
They learn that another patron named Seamus is not fixing the tree until the morning because he is drunk.
They must stay overnight.
29.Is it true that you dont have a home?
Maddie asks James over pints of Guinness, by way of making conversation.
Those trees can be a real challenge, says Heather.
And we dont even know if they had a chain saw.
32.Muddy Maddie races into the rehearsal, at which Paul and Emma are making googly eyes at each other.
We were coming back from the Cliffs of Moher, Maddie explains.
What were you doing in that tourist trap?
asks Paul of the stunning natural locale that was entirely empty of other people.
Turns out the witch in question is named Saint Brigid.
Everyone knows her, and she is crazy.
They all stand up and dance like Sims to September by Earth, Wind & Fire.
35.We spent a day together.
But tomorrow Im marrying Paul Kennedy.
They get into an argument.
Tomorrow will be the last you see of me.
Because after that, Im off to Bolivia to photograph an endangered TREE lizard, says James.
When do you LEAVE?
SUNday, spits James.
Right on time to keep running away from your own LIFE, says Maddie.
37.Paul emails her while he is downstairs at the rehearsal dinner.
The email reads, Here you go babe!
38.The next morning, Maddie spies James taking photos of a random fountain.
She is bowled over.
39.A bereft Maddie standsMelancholiastylein front of a window in her cursed vintage Lanvin.
40.One-hoop Finn is revealed to be Pauls only other groomsman besides Kory.
Are they also related?
I have no idea whats going on anymore.
41.Maddie wears a plaid version of her one dress to call off her own wedding.
James and Paul get into a bitchy slap fight at the altar.
Jane Seymour calls, and Maddie answers the phone in the middle of all of this.
Dont panic, but Im in the hospital in Des Moines, Seymour says.
42.James storms out, and Maddie runs after him.
I should never have stayed on this job, he says, gaslighting her.
Ive become too emotionally involved.
44.Maddie reawakens back in her old life.
Jane Seymour calls her again and talks about taking meds for her arthritis.
Seymours character is a more traditional big-pharma plant.
Finn has inexplicably disappeared.
Hes not into me.
Im moving on, says Heather, sighing.
A man appears next to her, and she asks him to dance.
He says yes, and she says, Say less, which is demonstrably not possible.
46.Maddie turns down Pauls offer to work on his next book.
She walks out of her lifelong best friend Emmas wedding.
Where are you going?
To write my own story!
47.Maddie finds James near the reanimated Scruffy Murphys.
She reveals to him that she is writing a book on the Cliffs of Moher.
Thats one of my favorite spots, he says of the cliffs.
Mine too, she says.
Maybe we can go there someday.
Love, in other words, is possible only by covert manipulation.
Appropriately, the film ends with a song by Aliana Lohan, Lindsays sister.
