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Its perhaps an inopportune time politically for him to be the guest of honor at a roast.
Good evening, everyone.
Im Colin Jost, and Ill be delivering the Republican response.
Ill be honest with you: I dont have a lot of time.
I need to get back to New York because Im juror number five on a big trial.
Trumps lawyer took one look at me and hes like, Hes got to be on our side.
I have to admit: Its not easy following President Biden.
I mean its not always easy following what hes saying.
We are all here tonight at nerd prom.
Well, Matt Gaetz is at regular prom.
Like many of you here tonight, I pretend to do news on TV.
Che told me to say that, and Im just realizing I was set up.
As a former aspiring journalist, I want to genuinely congratulate all the award winners here tonight.
Fox News is here tonight.
Its the end of an era.
Rupert Murdoch stepped down at Fox News, which is strange.
I didnt think there was a step down from Fox News.
Wordle is here tonight.
Sorry, sorry, I meant the New YorkTimes.
I forgot they do stuff in addition to puzzles.
Too chilling for you guys?
This room just froze faster than Mitch McConnell.
The New YorkPostis like having the New YorkTimessummarized for you by a crackhead.
Lara Trump is here tonight.
She recently released a cover of the song I Wont Back Down.
Upon hearing it, Tom Petty died again.
I cant believe Im saying this to a member of the Trump family, but maybe stick to politics?
We get it: Democracy is on the line.
And your plan to save it is to flood our inboxes like youre Crate & Barrel.
I love being in Washington.
The last time I was in D.C., I left my cocaine at the White House.
Luckily, the president was able to put it to good use for his State of the Union.
Im kidding, of course.
The president doesnt call it cocaine, he calls it high-speed rail.
Theres an election six extremely long months from now.
The race is tied!
Nothing makes sense anymore!
President Biden: Isnt it crazy that hes only our second Catholic president?
Like his vaccine card says, he doesnt have a shot.
People keep asking if our lives are better than they were four years ago.
Of course they are.
Four years ago, we didnt have online sports gambling.
What more do you need?
By the way, thats probably whats keeping the economy afloat: online gambling and Taylor Swift.
is dead, who is the new frontrunner for Trumps VP?
Your jobs are not easy, and it doesnt help that were living at the end of traditional media.
The gatekeepers are gone.
Did you know that 90% of people now get their news exclusively from social media?
And thatmustbe true, because I saw it in a random guys TikTok.
He was recording the video while driving a Toyota Corolla, but he seemed to know his stuff.
I would really like to take a moment to recognize all the print journalists in this room.
Every sketch of Trump looks like the Grinch had sex with the Lorax.
