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This article was originally published ahead of the 2018 Oscars.
It has been updated to include subsequent Academy Award ceremonies.
The Academy Awards right now are like one of those long-running but fading film franchises.
Its been a difficult few years.
Film admissions generally and ratings for the annual award broadcast have been trending down for decades.
A move to broaden the Best Picture lineup to as many as ten contenders didnt help.
There was the #OscarsSoWhite movement and the organizations sometimes overdone attempts to repair the damage.
Can Oscar get itself back together?
(Doubtful it will win Best Pic, though.)
So here we go!
The envelope, hey:
73.
2013 (the 85th Oscars)Host: Seth MacFarlane
This is one of the most depressing Oscars ever.
This is for a few reasons.
One is that most of his jokes sucked.
Or as Chris Brown and Rihanna call it, a date movie.
Why would Rihanna call it that?
And this is the Oscars, not the Grammys.
Even his Mel Gibson joke was off.
But MacFarlane is just sniggering.
No subtext, just sniggering.
Hey Seth: You saw Jodie Fosters breasts inThe Accusedbecause her character was being gang-raped.
Captain Kirk was right about one thing: You were the worst Oscars host in Academy Award history.
It is the longest four minutes in Oscars opening-monologue history.
Steven Spielberg is here!
Tonight, there is a fanfare of nominated songs.
Then, we get a seven(!
)-minute dance by Liza Minnelli, climaxing in two vignettes.
Minnellis a star, but it was rough going.
Then comes Burt Reynolds, the most ill-suited host before James Franco.
mark, sort of an Oscars blooper reel.
Reynolds seems to have the attention span of a hamster.
Most of the routine is about how neither he nor the Academy know why hes there.
Typical Line:[Blows raspberry.]
If you want sophistication, talk to David Niven.
Low Point:I love the titleThe Sting.
It reminds me of old Army-training films.
Politics:[After noting that Marlon Brando, Robert Redford, etc.
werent at the ceremony.]
A lot of people just dont want to take whats comin to them.
But enough about Richard Nixon …
70.
He begins on the red carpet, but not saying much that is funny.
Things improve only marginally once the show starts.
Good evening, Hollywood phonies, Chase says.
Otherwise, the onetimeSNLstar is at his most sour: Critics are a strange species.
Beating-a-Dead-Horse Dept:The Academy seriously considered giving out an award for Best Film Critic.
Unfortunately, we found there werent any.
We begin with Army Archerd, the longtimeVarietycolumnist, outside the auditoriums doors.
Hes interviewing a young star with an unpleasant, squeaky voice.
The idea is that shes an actress trying to make it in Hollywood.
The trouble comes from a number of bad decisions made by producer Allan Carr.
But these aspects of the presentation are immediately lost when presented on a worldwide stage.
Then Merv Griffin appears to sing Ive Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts.
Snow White wasnt an actor, she was acharacter; theres a difference.
And I havent even mentioned the dancing tables, Rob Lowe (then the ingenue star ofSt.
Elmos Fire), or the White-Lowe duet to that classic movie tune Proud Mary.
But there is another amazing thing about this opening.
Kahn then introduces some star power.
Hold onto your hats, its … Tom Selleck!
Thanks, Tom we didnt know how these newfangled Oscars shows work!
This became the Oscars show opening that never went away.
Repercussions reverberated for months; the Disney company launched a legal attack on the show.
The position of the Academys lawyers was that Snow White was a figure in the public domain.
(Yeah, but the whole point was that she was Snow Whitefrom the movie.)
There were half a dozen or more semiofficial hosts over the course of the evening but no monologue.
The orchestra kicks off with Tonight, fromWest Side Story, the previous years big winner.
They wrap it up and we see that … Ol Blue Eyes is the host!
What follows is one of the weirdest Oscars openings ever.
Minutes go by as Sinatra riffs on the Mona Lisa (The chick just sits there and smiles!
), da Vinci, and the personal vision that comes through in the best art.
Give it some production values!
We can all agree with him, of course.
But it is also heavy-handed, long-winded, more than a bit self-satisfied, and boring.
(Sinatra was sort of the Kanye West of his day.)
No jokes until the adorable Shelley Winters comes on to give out the first award.
De gustibus, she says.
That means thank you, I think, in Latin.
(Its possible Winters is improvising and twitting Sinatras blathering.)
Ill check with my druggist, Frank says and exits, pursued by a bear.
The show begins with the fabulous Regina King in a large outdoor area, presumably the social-distancing green room.
She grabs an Oscar off a table and … walks with it.
This isnt just uncinematic; its un-TV-e-matic.
But thats not how the Academy rolls.
King tells viewers that she had been ready to swap out her high heels for some marching boots.
Then she talks about her own experience as the mother of a Black son.
At this point, no one is under the illusion that this is going to be a fun night.
And then King starts talking about how a film she directed is nominated in three categories.
This bit of narcissism was followed up with a detailed explanation of the shows masking protocols.
Kings a serious actress, but that doesnt mean shes the best host for a show like the Oscars.
The result: the lowest Academy Awards ratings in history.
Anyway, it is Billy Crystals ninth stint, back after a ten-year absence.
The interim shows, with Chris Rock, Jon Stewart, etc., make his stuff seem even hokier.
Just call me War Horse, he says, referring to the years Spielberg film.
you might hear a pin drop.
He is still irritatingly self-referential.
He goes into his Oscar!
song but then stops to say, You didnt think I wasnt going to do this, did you?
Changing Times:The movies have always been there for us.
Because Filipinos sell shoes!
Alda laughs and laughs.
Then the pair does a little routine about Oscars thank-yous.
And that was it.
(You dont hear words likegaminany more either.)
(ShampooandTommyandThe Man Who Would Be Kingare left out.
Heres the big climax of the song:
Just follow meAnd you will seeHow HollywoodHonors its own!
(That might have been a vague political reference.
It was the run-up to the 1976 election.)
We are here at the Oscars.
The speaker is Regina Hall, who is onstage to welcome viewers with Wanda Sykes and Amy Schumer.
Sykes is up next with an equally tired observation: Where movie lovers unite to watch TV.
This might have been a notable opening salvo, but already it feels like an opportunity has been lost.
The trio stand together awkwardly and read their lines off the teleprompter clumsily.
Their attempts at comic shtick go nowhere.
Most of the jokes are heavy-handed.
The trio all say the wordgayabout 50 times at one point to stick it in the eye of Florida.
1966 (the 38th Oscars)Host: Bob Hope
Were in color for the first time!
Theres a great shot that changes the facade of the Santa Monica Civic from black and white to color.
Just imagine what you could accomplish if you tried celibacy.)
Its the most elaborate Oscars stage yet, complete with fountains.
It looks like Lloyd Bridgess rumpus room.
(The water had to be turned off for the show because it was too noisy.)
Hope warns those in attendance to be aware of the new cameras roaming the crowd.
If youve got an itch, forget it!
(A forgotten song-and-dance man, George Murphy, had just been elected senator from California.)
As Spyros Skouras once said, There are no atheists on Academy Awards night.
Oops:George Hamilton is here with a beautifully feathered friend.
And if he plays his cards right.
he may be the second Hamilton in the White House.
Crystal does his car-lock remote joke.
A lot of the monologue is aboutThe Crying Game.
Its not in the same league as the calf-birthing scene inCity Slickers, of course.)
Crystal shows off some joke studio swag for the movies, Gallagher-level stuff.
Theres something with a bloody knife for Woody AllensHusbands and Wives.
(Because, you know, wives and husbands are always trying to stab each other.)
He does his routine about how hes not going to do the Oscar!
song, but no one seems to care.
Its pretty dumb, as usual (Hurray forHowards End, etc.)
And the thing ends with Crystal plugging his own miserable film,Mr.
Its a pretty hacky moment.
Best Joke: Ironically, 1992 has been a very poor year for womens parts.
Some of the most talked about womens parts were Sharon Stones inBasic Instinct.
1981 (the 53rd Oscars)Host: Johnny Carson
Its a sensational night.
The Academy Awards have been put off a day after a shocking news event.
This hadnt happened since the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr.
The mind boggles at the logistical entanglements the delay has caused.
My God,the florists!)
At the end, the announcer, incredibly, manages to mess up the hosts name!
And master of ceremonies, John Carson!
You had one job …
The news today is very good, as you know, Carson tells the crowd.
The president is in excellent condition, and hes been conducting business.
Its the day after Reagan was nearly assassinated.
(What do you think the chances are he makes it to midnight?)
We then see a greeting from the president he had recorded a few weeks prior.
(The 400 BlowsandWild Strawberriesare both nominated for Best Screenplay.)
Academy membership stands at 2,200.
The show opens with a run of tunes by multiple-Oscar winner Harold Arlen.
(He wrote Over the Rainbow.)
Then comes a highly unexciting B.B.
Kahan, president of the Academy.
To my ears they sound a little union-unfriendly.
Like: Its a wonderful country.
Best Joke:We have a wonderful audience here tonight.
Minks, furs, jewels … Looks like the basement of a Chicago police station.
Sign of the Times:Pretty soon there will be nothing but offbeat, psychological adult westerns.
1964 (the 36th Oscars)Host: Jack Lemmon
Were at the Santa Monica Civic.
There are a lot more cameras running tonight lots of angles on the orchestra and the crowd.
Its the year ofCleopatraandTom Jones(the big winner) andLilies of the Field.
Interestingly,Last Year at Marienbadgets a screenplay nod, one of the most outre Oscars nominations ever.
Another fanfare tribute to Arthur Freed and Ignacio Herb Brown (theSingin in the Rainguys) seems excessive.
Our host is Jack Lemmon.
Lemmons big bit is about how the movies are beginning to stop having characters smoke all the time.
Im not sure what the joke is.
Seaton goes out of his way to introduce him as a young comedian I have always enjoyed.
In the last 24 hours, I have learned to respect him.
Lewis, while his inimitable self, seems to be out of his depth.
Bob Hope travels quite a bit, Lewis says.
The stickers on his bag read anywhere.
Hes reduces to explaining to the audience about straight lines and gags.
He says he likes the foreign movies with the subtitles.
But when youre looking at Gina Lollobrigida, who can read?
[Tepid response.]
See, thats a gag about a girl … Lewis has a great response: Amazed, Mr. Mankiewicz?
In actual life, I am quite the antithesis.
Best Line:The last gag I ever buy from a trumpet player.
Its also the year of2001,Funny Girl, andRosemarys Baby.)
The Academy displays the classic shot of Lancaster and Deborah Kerr locking lips in the surf.
Movies are big all around the world, the announcer tells us Flicker palaces [?]
in Sydney, Australia, etc.
Were still at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion at L.A.s Music Center.
And tonight our host is … sheer insanity.
We get Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli, Richard Pryor, and Walter Matthau en masse.
But dont worry, its not like theyre going to do a song-and-dance number.
Oh, wait …
Its about how the moment of truth is here!
Anne Frank, she says meaningfully, had pictures of movie stars in her attic.
Not sure what the connection is.
Lotsa laughs and thats it.
Then a blast to NYC and a glimpse of the star-studded crowd there.
It feels like he wrote them himself.
(These were innocent times.)
It was a big year for movies, he says, At least, it was awideyear.
And: NASA scientists are working on putting movies on the moon.
Russian scientists are working on taking them out of Russia.
When OConnor says he has a dachshund, March says, I suggest you keep him.
I hear Zanuck wants to remake the Rin Tin Tin movies in CinemaScope, har-dee har-har.
I looked it up White was 31 at the time and had already had an amazing career.
The commercial goes on interminably two and a half minutes plus.
Its also the year ofThe Matrix, The Sixth Sense,andThe Cider House Rules.
and all about whether he should host again.
(Esquirehad recently had Spacey on its cover hinting if thats the word about his sexuality.)
Billy Crystal is carried out by a cop.
I had the LAPD plant me here!
Welcome to the Oscars, he says, or as ABC likes to call it, Regiss night off.
He goes right into the Oscar!
Imagine if youre a youngMatrixfan tuning in, and youre confronted with Crystal doing Green Acres forThe Green Mile.
The Celluloid Closet:Laura Schlessinger couldnt be here tonight.
She couldnt get anyone in town to do her hair or makeup.
(Schlessinger is a gay-baiting radio host.)
Turns out that was about the highlight.
Lemmons the affable, inoffensive host for the evening.
He gives a short talk, stuff about how we all love those moving shadows up there.
This probably isnt true, but the stars all seem delighted.
Best line:Lemmon talks about the proliferation of awards shows.
Its only 15 grand and youre all rich.
Also: I want to thank Paul Hogan for flying all the way to be here.
And yet we had to heave a sigh of relief.
(And, yes, that was the yearDriving Miss Daisywon.)
Anyway, things start out with … a good old-fashioned Oscars movie montage!
It ends up with a lovely quote from that years Mister Rogers doc.
Viewers are pumped … until the show starts.
So officially there was no host!
And then the trio disappear!
Best line, from Poehler:These Spanx are so tight theyre enteredmySpiderverse!
2024 (the 96th Oscars)
Host: Jimmy Kimmel
Its the year ofBarbenheimer.
Kimmel is back for his fourth outing.
Robbie says to him, Youre so beautiful.
But it falls flat after that.
Kimmel has a great blend of classy guy and workingmans appeal, but this isnt his strongest night.
The repercussions of the four-month-long SAG strike were still being felt.
It feels just a bit low energy.
Kimmel mentions howBarbies director, Greta Gerwig, didnt get a Best Director nomination but thats all he does.
He just mentions it.
Good lord, I mean how hard is it?
Seems to me the directors branch is lacking some of the same body parts Kens missing.
(Will that get me some of that Bruce Vilanch money?)
Theres some reflexive Crystal-like shtick I dont think entirely works.
They all troop out in tuxes, to cheers from the crowd.
AI: Could an AI have writtenTransformers, Rise of the Beasts?
[answers immediately] Yes, the answers yes.
Best line:[InPoor Things]Emma played an adult woman with the mind of a child.
Like the woman who gave the rebuttal to the State of the Union the other night.
The other major films areGood Will HuntingandAs Good As It Gets.
Confidential, auditioning forThe Full Montyetc., etc.
The best part is him posing nude for Leo DiCaprio to sketch.
Crystal comes in on a big ship prow and launches into the Oscar!
Using the Gilligans Island theme forTitanicjust about sums up his approach to it all.
Confidentialhe gets off the line, You could be the iceberg tonight!
but we now know it couldnt happen.
And this one is a slog.
Silent movies, Valentino, Busby Berkeley, blah, blah, blah.
Daniel Taradash comes out to salute Charlie Chaplin to welcome him home.
He will receive our only honorary award.
Its a highly charged, emotional, and famous Oscars moment.
(Judi Dench will win Best Supporting Actress for her eight minutes onscreen playing Elizabeth inShakespeare in Love.)
Good evening, loyal subjects, Goldberg says.
I am the African Queen.
But it only lasts three minutes.
Otherwise, this is another example of a Goldberg monologue thats too self-referential and not funny enough.
For example: She makes a passing reference to the Mike OvitzCAA thing.
Then she says, That about limits my time in Hollywood!
But she didnt actually make a joke about it, much less say anything naughty.
Do the Academy Awards writers give her lines like that?
Politics:Last time I was here, the most controversial thing you could put on a dresswasa ribbon.
Those boys fought World War III over World War II!
2007 (the 79th Oscars)Host: Ellen DeGeneres
Ive always wanted to host the Academy Awards.
Its a dream come true, Ellen DeGeneres says.
Its her first time hosting.
DeGeneres isnt bad; shes just barely there.
Best Joke:Jennifer Hudson was onAmerican Idol.
America didnt vote for her and yet shes here with an Oscar nomination.
And then Al Gore is here.
Americadidvote for him and then …
This gets a huge hand.
(Hes trying to call attention to his new film,City Slickers.)
He debuts his car-remote joke.
I was having lunch with Julia Phillips, he says.
(Phillips, producer ofThe Sting,wrote a memoir calledYoull Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again.)
We have Jeremy Irons, Crystal says, star ofReversal of Fortune, the Donald Trump story.
The rest of the opening is the first edition of his Oscar!
song, with pretty silly jokes about the main nominees redone to the tune of old songs.
Best Industry Joke:He refers to the infamous scene inMisery, where Kathy Bates hobbles writer James Caan.
Its on page eight of the Katzenberg memo.
And then Chris Rock and Steve Martin step out to announce that they are not the hosts.
They then proceed to do five minutes of jokes before introducing the first award.
[Applause] Hes won two Oscars, and know what that means then the cop pulls him over?
And: Jeff Bezos is here.
Hes so rich he got divorced and hes still the richest person in the world!
And: Marty I gotta tell you, I loved the first season ofThe Irishman.
Our star is Angela Lansbury, a doll.
This was the sensational year ofThe GodfatherandCabaret,Lady Sings the BluesandDeliverance.
(WhileThe Godfathertook Best Picture, people tend to forget that Bob FossesCabaretwon eight of its ten nominations.)
The show begins with, The following program is brought to you in living color on NBC.
Then we get to the Academy president, who says, The denim generation is into movies!
Then, incredibly, Charlton Heston runs onstage, literally tamping down his hair.
Turns out the biblical stuff was for him to read in a Moses voice.
(The official story is that he had had a flat tire on the freeway.)
Its also the year ofMy Left Foot,Crimes and Misdemeanors, andBatman.
Most stars make a run at keep themselves young; Crystal seems to position himself as an old-timey guy.
Way too many of his jokes are racially based stuff out of a (bad) Borscht Belt act.
All Italians are Mafia guys.
(The joke actually prompts some boos.)
And Sony Pictures, he notes, was bought by the Japanese.
Just to be clear: Japan is the country of Ozu and Kurosawa.
Billy Crystal was getting ready to makeCity Slickers.
Theres more: He mentions Marlon BrandosGodfatherBest Actor win.
That was 18 moons ago.
As the applause dies down Crystal says, … Based on an idea of Art Buchwalds.
The court called this unconscionable, but Paramount settled before things went too far.
Anyway, I go into such detail because its hard to parse the joke.
But Buchwald had won the suit.
So it comes across more that heres another movie made by a Black guy whod stolen a script.
Thats way off too, because hes comparing a star like Murphy with a serious artist, Spike Lee.
It really just feels like his brain is stuck on a Black guy who made a movie.
Then it gets weirder.
Crystal says, … Or Andy Rooney.
Best Joke:[Entering to applause.]
Is it just me or are you just glad Im not Snow White?
Best Industry Joke:Jack Nicholson is so rich Morgan Freeman drove him here tonight.
But not as long as it took to explainMulholland Drive.
Its also the year of the firstLord of the Ringsfilm andMemento.
Then Whoopi Goldbergs back for a short monologue.
She comes down from the ceiling in a getup like Nicole Kidmans inMoulin Rouge!, except wilder.
I am the original Sexy Beast, she says, waggling her ribbons.
Its a short opening, but theres room for her self-congratulation.
(Im just cracking you up, arent I?)
Oscar is the only 74-year-old man in Hollywood who doesnt need Viagra to last three hours.
Security here is tighter than some of the faces.
It ends with a cameo from Letterman.
(The special edition reissues would collectively gross $250 million in 1997.)
Nevertheless, in Oscarland, its Sundance by the Sea, Crystal says.
The majors released 163 pictures in 1996, and only one has been nominated for Best Picture.
All of the other celebrated films of the year Fargo, Secrets & Lies, Sling Bladeetc., etc.
came from the so-called indies that would shake the industry up over the next decade or so.
In the end,The English Patienttakes the top awards.
Its the third Best Picture win for producer Saul Zaentz.
Crystal marvels at the new faces the Coen brothers, Billy Bob Thornton, etc.
The big set piece is the guys fromSling BladeandShinedoing a cop movie together.
Then we get the Oscars-song medley, all pretty pallid, though the one forShineis creative.
Best joke:[After mentioning the 163 studio releases.]
164 if you count Michael Ovitz.
Shtick:Ive been digitally enhanced myself.
Shortly after I was born there was a, uh,rough edit.
I had them restore the missing … footage.
[Hoots and laughter.]
Hey, the rabbi had final cut!
What do you want from me?
Politics:The only person guaranteed to be waking up with a statue is Tipper Gore.
And Fellini is nominated for Best Director forSatyricon.
President Daniel Taradash, who wroteFrom Here to Eternity, starts talking.
Harry Belafonte reads the rules.
(Shes now up to 21, having been nominated basically every other year since then.)
Its definitely a step back from the terpsichorean tone poem Ann-Margret had proffered the previous year.
I understand the impulse the Academy is following We need to play to our strengths!
Weve got the stars!
but these openings are beginning to feel like compensation.
The payoff is dozens of big-name past winners coming down the steps Cukor and Capra and …
The pair claim 300 million people are watching the show.
Hope appears, 12-plus minutes in.
Welcome to the realStar Wars, he says.
We see a glimpse of Jane Fonda and Tom Hayden.
His jokes go on for a while but you have to note that Hope seems a bit tired.
Hope is plainly reading the jokes and often stumbling.
He was nearly 75 at the time and would live to 100.
This was his last show.
Today its anybody her mother, father, brother, or cocker spaniel.
Best Line:Liz Taylors back at her farm in Virginia, still trying to milk a chicken.
2023 (the 95th Oscars)
ItsTop Gun: Mavericks big boffo year!
But it lasts only for a few seconds.
Once he dispenses with the parachute, Kimmel has some trouble adjusting his pants.
My banshees are caught in my Inisherin, he says.
If thats an ad lib, its a five-star one.
Everyones still a-tingle about the infamous slap the previous year.
We have strict policies in place, Kimmel informs the audience.
The gentle touch:They say Hollywood is running out of new ideas.
I mean, poor Steven Spielberg had to make a movie about Steven Spielberg.
(Hes talking aboutThe Fabelmans.)
Inside joke:Batgirl became the first superhero to be defeated by an accounting department.
Its never been shown.)
John turned 91 years old last month, and hes still scoring, if you know what I mean.
Lewis riffs on this too.
War and Peacecost $9 million, he says, Thats more than the real war cost.
Pictures are getting long, too, he notes.
Recently, he didnt see all the picture because the kid in front of me grew up.
Then Lewis goes into a lengthy Ed Sullivan impersonation.
Best joke:I went to seeGiant.
It cost me $300 to seeGiant.
Three dollars admission and $297 for the babysitter!
Otherwise, he looks the same, but his routine gets more ancient each year.
And: A quadriplex is, You see one movie but you hear four.
But he gets some momentum as he goes on.
Oliver Stones next movie, he says, isThe Men Who Shot Liberty Valance.
He does his Oscar!
(Streisand didnt get a Best Director nomination.)
Politics:[Referring to DisneysBeauty and the Beast.]
Tonight we have the first cartoon ever nominated, not counting Dan Quayle.
Shtick:[Referring to Ben Kingsley roles.]
Gandhi and Lansky: Two men with a vision, and neither ate pork.
He introduces the returning Hope, who is his genial, fluty self.
Movies are back after the TV scare.
More technological showing-off: The show cuts to New York, where Thelma Ritter is emceeing.
Her image is projected on a stage above Hope.
Meanest Joke:Is Marilyn Monroe there?
Yes, she just came in with the Brothers Karamazov, Ritter replies.
(Monroe had said she wanted to star in an upcoming film adaptation.)
Best Industry Joke:The studios are really fighting for storied properties.
Sam Goldwyn gotGuys and Dolls.
Leland Hayward snatched upThe Old Man and the Sea.
And Howard Hughes bought the Yalta Papers.
The only question is which of the three parts Jane Russell will play.
The big movies of the year areSchindlers List,The Piano, andThe Fugitive.
So they gave me a live microphone for three hours.
There havent been so many movie executives sweating over one woman since Heidi Fleiss, honey!
And am I the only person who think she just doesnt deliver the lines well?
Worst Joke:Lorena Bobbitt, c’mon meet Bob Dole.
Is sexual mutilation of an elderly wounded vet, however much a dunce, really that funny?
Crystalshilarious opening filmstarts with him illicitly videotaping in a movie theater.
[Coughs up hairball.]
In any case, the song went, Clint Eastwood / You just keep rolling along.
2014 (the 86th Oscars)Host: Ellen DeGeneres
Possibility No.
1, Ellen DeGeneres is saying: 12 Years a Slavewins Best Picture.
2: Youre all racists.
Its DeGeneress second time hosting; this ones better.
Shes still her deceptively bland self, dispensing little bits of acid and absurdism from a friendly demeanor.
Like: Between the nominees here tonight youve made 1,400 films.
And youve done a total of six years of college.
She notes Barkhad Abdi, who played a pirate inCaptain Phillips.
He is from Somalia.
Meanest Line:One of the most amazing Liza Minnelli impersonators I have ever seen in my entire life.
Good job, sir.
Best Line:Jonah Hill, nominated forThe Wolf of Wall Street.
You showed us something in that film I have not seen for a very, very long time.
(Hill takes his dick out in the film.)
First we get Academy president Arthur Freed.
Hes talking about yet another strike.
I not only didnt get nominated, I got a splinter from a picket sign.
He gets off a lot of lines, but not too many of them are inspired.
So at dinner tonight I just smoked a banana.
This could be a marijuana joke, I guess.
TV Watch:This is the biggest night of the year for the movie industry.
It must be; it says so inTV Guide.
Politics:Pretty soon were going to need another category: Best Performance by a Governor.
Best Line: Lets get on with this farcical charade of vulgar egotism and pomposity.
(It made about one percent of whatAvatardid, and it was directed by James Camerons ex-wife, too.
The academy is making it plain its done with blockbusters.
)Precious,Inglourious Basterds, andUp in the Airare in the mix.
This is the one where they make all the stars come out and pose as the show starts.
Then … they just get walked to their seat!
The routine is that Martins his oh-so-sophisticated self and Baldwin is the butt of the jokes.
But its all about the usual suspects, George Clooney whom the pair glare at repeatedly and Streep.
At times Martins play-goofiness is funny.
Theres that damn Helen Mirren!
ThatsDameHelen Mirren, Baldwin says.
Hey, Im with CAA too!
Shtick:Martin: InInglourious Basterds, Christoph Waltz plays a Nazi obsessed with tracking down Jews.
[Extends arms and gestures to the audience.]
The Academys Governors Ball was canceled, and Hopes monologue was carefully vetted.
I will not seek, nor will I accept, an Oscar, Hope says.
Theyve always given me the same answer.
Theyll negotiate if I stop bombing.
1968 was of course a transformational year in film; among the Best Picture nominees areBonnie and ClydeandThe Graduate.
)Hopes joke are funny, but they dont come close to capturing the drama of the time.
Darkest Oscar joke:Many an ugly face turns beautiful and many a beautiful face turns ugly.
From the Recycle Bin:Mink, ermine, and diamonds.
It looks like the Palm Springs unemployment office.
There are two talks.
The year of Korea.
The year when young American blood had been spilled out terribly in what seemed like defeat.
The year in which household bomb shelters became an item advertised in local newspapers.
Already the value and importance of that year has become obvious.
I dont know what he was talking about, but I couldnt stop listening.
In jail she explained the whole incident by saying, I always get a kick out of Walter Pidgeon.
I refer of course to canasta.
Cut to Martin walking onstage at the Shrine for its last year hosting.
Hes fine tonight though.
That were all gay.
There are touches of his old spark: Maybe movies are too violent.
I took a 9-year-old kid toGladiatorand he cried throughout the entire film.
Now, maybe its because he didnt know who I was.
Its something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
The Celluloid Closet:Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragonsounds like something Siegfried and Roy do on vacation.
Ouch:Ellen Burstyn did something not many actresses would do.
She made herself look 30 pounds heavier and 20 years older.
And Russell Crowe still hit on her.
Kimmel wants to know what they were focusing on before.
Its the Me Too era as well.
Kimmel notes that Harvey Weinstein had been thrown out of the Academy.
There were a lot of great candidates, but Harvey deserved it the most.
We cant let bad behavior slide anymore, he continues.
The world is watching us.
We need to set an example.
Best Joke:We dont make films likeCall Me by Your Namefor money, Kimmel notes.
We make them to upset Mike Pence.
Politics:Oscar is 90 years old tonight, Kimmel notes.
Which means hes probably at home right now watching Fox News.
Its the first ceremony at the new Santa Monica Civic Auditorium.
And its the first ceremony broadcast on ABC.
Changing Times:I missedNever on Sunday; my teenage son said I wasnt ready for it.
Obligatory Joke on the Fancy Clothes and Jewelry:It looks like the Palm Springs unemployment office.
(Hope would recycle this joke in future broadcasts.)
TV Watch:Movies are your best entertainment.
Ask anybody who watches TV.
They are sure getting even with Disneyland, arent they?
The Russians will be first in space, but we have cigarettes with a hint of mint … Best Industry joke:Motion-picture stocks are at an all-time high, movies are doing better than ever.
Shtick:And Sal Mineo [is nominated] forExodus.
I didnt know he was bar mitzvahed!
Its the year ofI Want to Live!,The Defiant Ones, andGigi, the big winner.
The orchestra then plays a while, conducted by Lionel Newman, Randys uncle.
The song is Its All Right With Us.
Who doesnt think these guys are swell?
(you could see it at about the 1:30 mark in the clip above.)
Then Bob Hope is back.
For some, there will be tears and heartbreak.
But enough about me.
Ive become known as the Pagliacci of the teleprompter.
We see some tentative riffage on the actual movies.
Im surprised to see Susan Hayward here tonight.
(She was sent to the gas chamber inI Want to Live!)
Im here against doctors orders, Hope says.
He wanted my tickets.
Best Joke:Ive lined up a job as a wardrobe man on a Brigitte Bardot picture.
The pay isnt much but the fringe benefits are terrific.
- (If I recall correctly, Woody Allen tweaks this inWhats New Pussycat?
I got a job dressing the girls at the Moulin Rouge for three francs a week.
Peter OToole: That isnt much!
Allen: Its all I can afford.)
AGodfatherfilm wins for the second time, and Coppola finally gets his Best Director statuette.
He wouldnt be back for years.)
On the Montage:I get the funny feeling I have a son Ive never met.
Shtick: Chinatowngot 11 nominations: six from column A and five from column B.
Politics:Weve seen the end of some highly publicized relationships.
Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, Sonny and Cher … Henry Kissinger and Anwar Sadat.
And:Its obvious many of the ladies spent the afternoon with their hairdressers.
Some had their hair done.
(Shampoohad just been released.)
2003 (the 75th Oscars)Host: Steve Martin
Steve Martin is hosting for the second time.
Its clear that Martin is a class above Crystal or Goldberg.
The war in Iraq was looming.
Im glad we cut down on all the glitz, he says blandly, standing amid a glittering set.
He mentions the first Oscars, 75 years previous.
Of course, Joan Rivers was outside.
Chicagowill win Best Picture, but Roman Polanski, still a fugitive, will win Best Director forThe Pianist.
Roman Polanskis here, Martin says in the monologue.
He reflects on the older stars present.
At one time, Mickey Rooney was the biggest star in all the 38 states.
He finds Rooney in the audience, way in the back.
Mickey, Im sorry we couldnt get you a better seat, butVin Dieselis here.
Reflecting on layoffs in the movie industry, he says, You should do what Tom Cruise does.
At the end of each week, he takes a million dollars and just puts it away.
And then at the end of the year, youve got a little cushion.
Miramax stopped at nothing to make sureChicagowas nominated, Martin says.
Heres what they did and you tell me if you think this is fair.
[Disgusted voice] They made areally goodmoviethat everybodyliked.
Best Joke:Writers.
And: It was a big year for Jack [Nicholson].
He got in a hot tub with Kathy Bates [inAbout Schmidt].
But hey, who hasnt?
The Celluloid Closet 2:Some people in Hollywood were insulted by the term gay mafia.
I say to them, Hey fellas, Dont get your thongs in a knot.
1996 (the 68th Oscars)Host: Whoopi Goldberg
Oprahs hosting the red carpet.
Were still in the slough of despond that was the Oscars in the 1990s.
Its also the year ofLeaving Las Vegas,Casino, andThe Usual Suspects.
She says, Alec Baldwin bravo baby!
apparently in support of his having punched a photographer, probably not the encouragement Baldwin needs.
Womens stories were interesting this year.
Elisabeth Shue played a hooker.
Mira Sorvino played a hooker.
Sharon Stone played a hooker.
How many times did Charlie Sheen get to vote?
Politics:We have Pat Buchanan, the original Boy in the Hood.
Best Joke:[OnShowgirls]I havent seen so many poles mistreated since World War II!
Its a tour de force of technology and rights permissions.
At the end we see the panel truck is driven by Schwarzenegger and carries a precious load of Oscars.
Out host is Jon Stewart for the first time.
Thered been an extended writers strike but it was settled before the shows.
Welcome to the makeup sex, Stewart says.
He notes the Democratic primary fight between Clinton and Obama.
With a Woody Allen grimace.]
I can see where the Jews are in the audience.
Best Joke:EvenNorbitgot a nomination.
Too often, the Academy ignores movies … that arent good.
Politics:OnAway From Her: Its about a woman who forgets her own husband.
Hillary Clinton called it the feel-good movie of the year.
These days its different: The awards have been split four of the last five years!
Its also the year ofOn Golden Pond,Atlantic City, andRaiders.
Then we get Carson at his height.
Noting the rain outside, he advises everyone that squeegees will be passed out.
There are $40,000 in hairdos sliding down the street outside.
He notes the proliferation of awards shows.
After the popcorn manufacturers Golden Bucket Award, maybe we should cool it for the year.
Poor Hollywood:Critics say they are not hiring minorities in film.
These days any actor in this town thats working is a minority.
Best Joke:The days of innocence are long gone.
1981 was the year that Superman lost his virginity, Zorro went gay, and Mary Poppins went topless.
In one memorable scene inS.O.B., Julie Andrews showed us that the hills are still alive.
Is it me or is he a little handsy?
(Barbarellais a few years off.)
Its also the year ofDr.
Strangelove,A Hard Days Night, andMary Poppins.
This splendid gentleman, Bob Hope, is on his 12th hosting.
Its Santa Monica on the Thames, he said.
Tonight, Hollywood is handing out the foreign aid.
(A lot of the acting nominees are British.)
Best Joke:My Fair Ladywas good, if you like foreign-language pictures.
Billy Crystal has been back only once in the years since.
Our host: Chris Rock.
Its different when youre emceeingan awards show for actors.
His big theme was real stars versus mere popular people.
Clint Eastwood is a star, he says.
Tobey Maguire is just boy in tights, okay?
And then:
If you want Tom Cruise and all you could get is Jude Law, wait.
Who is Jude Law?
Why is he in every movie I have seen the last four years?
Even the movies hes not acting in, you look at the credits, he made cupcakes or something.
Then Rock goes after Bush; hes a genius, he says, winning reelection.
When Bush got into the office, they had a surplus of money.
Now theres a $70 trillion deficit.
Now, just imagine you work at the Gap.
You close out your register, and its $70 trillion short.
The average person would get into trouble for something like that.
The riff goes on to imagine the Gap attacking Banana Republic over some nonexistent toxic tank tops.
You get names likeBarbershop.
You knowLaundromatis coming soon.
And after that,Check Cashing Place.
The Jude Law remarks, for some reason, offended many.
Later in the show, Sean Penn sniffed, Jude Law is one of our finest actors.
It was more than ten years before Rock was asked back.
(For a supporting role inThe Hustler.)
He introduces Hope as the nicest guy in town.
Welcome toJudgment at Santa Monica, Hope says.
The big moment for Hollywood movies comes to you … from Santa Monica … on television.
The industry was still very wary of TV.
Lots of jokes about movies being made overseas.
Were all delighted Grace Kelly is coming back from Monte Carlo.
Imagine, a princess making a picture.
Proves once and for all how democratic money really is.
Best joke:Everyones here except George Scott.
Hes at home with his back to the set.
If you recall,La La Landhad won six awards, including Best Director.
At Best Picture time, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were the presenters.
To everyones credit, the Academy and all present handled correcting the mistake professionally.
He had the envelope and saw something was wrong.
He should have made sure everything was okay before just passing the envelope on to Dunaway.
Mel, you look great.
I think the Scientology is working.
The only happy ending of all the nominees was the one in the middle ofMoonlight.
[Uncertain laughter] You didnt watch it, did you?
Politics:Remember last year when it seemed like theOscarswere racist?
Best Line:We are very welcoming to outsiders here in Hollywood.
We dont discriminate against people based on what country they come from.
We discriminate on the basis of age and weight.
He sings, he dances … and hes smart enough to hire better comedy writers than Billy Crystal.
Anne Hathaway has a great cameo, too.
Best Line:I went to seeThe Readerbut there was a line /Of people seeingIron Manfor the second time.
1953 (the 25th Oscars)Host: Bob Hope
This was the first televised Academy Awards.
To start, theres a great panning shot down Hollywood Boulevard.
All over America wives are saying to their husbands, Put on your shirt.
Joan Crawford is coming over.
Talk of TV dominates the monologue.
Hope says that, at 25, it was time Oscar got married.
So would begin the Academys dependence and marriage to TV.
In the 1950s and 60s, the show would run up extremely high ratings.
The awards broadcast viewership today, due to a number of factors, is much less.
You dont see him going out with Kukla, Fran, and Ollie.
(The Yankee slugger had just caused a sensation by marrying Marilyn Monroe.)
(Four Weddings, which has a perfect script, should have won that category.)
And our host is David Letterman, who delivers an unusual but occasionally sharp monologue.
He was ridiculed for many years for his Uma … Oprah!
riff and, well, he certainly deserved it, because it was stupid.
DreamWorks SKG, Letterman says.
I think this is really, really good for Hollywood.
Still, Lettermans absurdist humor isnt quite right for the show, and its understandable he never came back.
(The scandalous omission of the celebrated documentary eventually forced a revision of the Academys documentary-nomination procedures.)
Also:Theres Best Foreign Film nominee,Eat Drink Man Woman.
Coincidentally, thats how Arnold Schwarzenegger invited Maria Shriver out on their first date.
The stage set is ginormous the orchestra is way up on spinning towers.
We of course get the opening fanfare ofStar Wars,already iconic.
(Not that Hope did.)
(Whoopi Goldberg would do the same shtick decades later.)
He promises two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
He notes, I see a lot of new faces.
Particularly on the new faces.
He bring on a Chinese guy to talk for a bit.
That means nothing to you, but right now Deng Xiaoping is hysterical, Carson says.
Politics:I wonder if Jerry Brown and Linda Ronstadt are watching from the Kenya Holiday Inn?
(The pair, traveling in Africa at the time, would be on the cover ofNewsweekthat month.)
(This was a famously bad Lily TomlinJohn Travolta romance, theGigliof its day.)
And:This program is also being broadcast to South America.
That way some of the former accountants and studio executives can catch part of the show.
I know it seems silly but a marriage is worth saving in this town.
But hes hot tonight.
He recites some headlines, including one about Elvis Presley working as a dental hygienist in Billings, Montana.
They are from theNational Enquirer, he says the Pinto of newspapers.
(The Pinto was a Ford that tended to blow up when rear-ended.
And:The show will be seen in the Arab states of Syria, Lebanon, and Beverly Hills.
And President Carter I hope you enjoy the show, too.
Dumbest Joke:Dolly Parton, he says, will soon be filmingMammary vs. Mammary.
And whats the movie about?
Jane Fonda attacking big business!
1970 (the 42nd Oscars)Host: Bob Hope
Bob Hopes finest night.
Marcus Welby M.D.andThe Dick Cavett Showwill not be seen tonight, the announcer says.
Oh yes its 1969, the year ofMidnight Cowboy, the only X-rated movie to win Best Picture.
The Oscars were now a major news event.
(Probably to warn people that this wasnt an in-club any more.)
He says there are 3,172 Academy members.
Hope is in his element from the first moment, riffing on the new blue cinema.
This is the night that separates the men fromThe Boys in the Band.
(That was the most in-your-face gay film yet from Establishment Hollywood, which had just hit theaters.)
And: Did you ever think youd see Richard Burton play both a king and a queen?
It might be a yarmulke joke.
Hope en Fuego:Remember when action movies meant westerns?
And movie scores referred to the music?
… Its such a novelty, seeing so many actors and actresses with their clothes on.
The song is called Magic Circle (It All Started in Someones Head), which speaks for itself.
Its all very modern dance-y complete with an electric-guitar solo.
We are going to stop entertaining.
That will show you.
There are only two Black people in the AcademySydney Poh-tee-er and Harry Belafont-i-man.
Then comes Chevy Chase; I think hes the first postmodern comic to hit Oscars stage.
Strange name, not very funny though.
Im just trying to get as much camera time as I can.
Its not brilliant, but the Academy had certainly never tried anything like it before.
Chase reads the Academy rules and uses some creative props.
2006 (78th Oscars)Host: Jon Stewart
The taped intro is hilarious.
We finally come to … Jon Stewart, in bed first with Halle Berry and then George Clooney.
Stewarts monologue is brisk and nails Hollywood, and himself, again and again.
Tonight we celebrate film … with me, the fourth male lead inDeath to Smoochy.
Lots of good lines.
Stewart also gets serious: Ive been out here a week and a half and had a great time.
The house is quiet, awaiting the punch line.
I dont really have a joke here, Stewart says.
I just thought you should know a lot of people are saying that.
Changing Times: Ladies, Gentlemen … Felicity.
(Huffman played a transgendered woman inTransamerica.)
Also: Capoteshows America that not all gay people are virile cowboys.
Biggest Laugh:Bjork couldnt be here tonight.
She was trying on her Oscars dress when Dick Cheney shot her.
We also see Amy Irving, who was nominated forYentl, on the arm of soon-to-be husband Steven Spielberg.
Finally Carson comes on, hunting for bear.
You dont realize what a thrill it is for me to appear someplace without being subpoenaed.
It started off with Terms of Endearment.
I thought I had the Right Stuff.
It cost a lot to Dresser but then came The Big Chill and now Im begging for Tender Mercies.
and she says, We dont have one.
And:James Bond is getting a little old.
In case hes captured by the enemy he now carries a cyanide suppository.
Best Joke:All of L.A. has Oscars fever, Carson says.
The ladies of the night on Sunset Boulevard have been carrying signs saying For Your Consideration.
Rock played into this a bit Welcome to the White Peoples Choice Awards, he says.
If they nominated hosts, I wouldnt even get this job.
Some people, he notes, had said, Chris, you should quit!
How come its only unemployed people who tell you to quit something?
Rock fires on everyone.
He noted that the concern about Black nominees was of recent vintage.
In the 1960s, things were different.
We had real things to protest at the time.
We were too busy being raped and lynched to worry about best cinematographer.
Meanest Oscar joke ever?Jada [Pinkett-Smith] boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihannas panties.
[Gasps from audience.]
Piling On:I know its not fair Will Smith wasnt nominated forConcussion.
Its also not fair that Will was paid $20 million forWild Wild West.
Best Industry Joke:Theres no reason for there to be a man and a woman category in acting.
Its not track and field!
Robert De Niro never said, I better slow this actin down so Meryl Streep can catch up!
He is basically perfect.
Tonight, we honor Hollywoods best and whitest.
Then comes the song, and its everything an Oscar opening number should be but never has been before.
(The set, with all the hanging Oscars, provides an elegant macabre touch, too.)
The only version on You Tube is distorted, but still packs a punch.
