Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
[Taps yardstick on podium sexily.]
The first official meeting ofthe Tortured Poets Departmentis officially in session.
DoesThe Tortured Poets Departmentrepresent Swifts Dark Academia era?
Which songs are about Joe Alwyn, and which are about Matty Healy?
Who uses a typewriter, anyway?
[Hits play on Spotify, also sexily.]
Shes listened to a lot of Phoebe Bridgers.
Post Malone getting the classic Taylor feature treatment (being completely unhearable on the song).
Taylor references being put in an asylum at least twice on this album.
Is this her Joker era?
Is it tied to an accredited university?
Its giving Bruce Hornsby.
Who brings their typewriter to someones apartment?
This is such a backhanded compliment to Charlie Puth.
He didnt ask to be a part of this narrative!
Finally, representation for people who eat a lot of chocolate in one setting.
Maybe by tattooed golden retriever she just meant …this?
Im not ready for the Who are Dylan Thomas and Patti Smith?
I might finally have to stop defending Jack Antonoff.
This song would be really good if every word was replaced.
Down Bad
Im concerned about how much Taylor is bleeding in general on her albums.
Here she is waking up in a pool of her own blood.
Previously she has worn a blood-soaked gown.
This song sounds like Jack trying to make a song that sounds like Aaron Dessner.
Taylor says fuck count: 18.
So Long, London
America, we won!
I like how she explains that Joe was too Britishly depressed for her.
Its too rainy there for his personality punch in.
He should move to L.A.
This is not a good track 5.
2 graves, 1 gun?
The London Boy Cinematic Universe has taken a turn!
But Daddy I Love Him
Give me Taylor snarling bitching and moaning on loop.
She really said Fuck off, wine moms of TikTok.
I want her to ruin her life.
Her new Blank Space.
Its been ages since weve seen an artist release a diss track targeting their own annoying fans.
On repeat until I turn 35.
Fresh Out the Slammer
This is the nicest song anyones ever sung about a rebound.
I like that deep reverb-y western guitar.
Florida!!!
Im supposed to believe that Taylor Swift has been to Destin?
This is Shrek-core (complimentary).
Its sort of No Body No Crimeesque, but its missing the wink.
And why the three exclamation points?
Regardless, I am obsessed with Taylors conception of what happens in Florida.
Summary of my first three listens: No.
No!!!!!
All my friends smell like weed or little babies is something aPans Labyrinthmonster would say.
Incredible, and can you really blame him?
Kevin the Minion
Guilty As Sin?
What if I roll the stone away?
Go back to Sunday school!
Upper-thigh tattoos are hot.
This is Taylors best song about masturbation.
Whos Afraid of Little Old Me?
One of the best and most freakish choruses shes ever written.
Levitating down the street makes me laugh every time I hear it.
I think she is sweet but a psycho, as they say.
Sounds likeThe Greatest Showman.
Loss of My Lifeisa bar.
This is cute, but I thought it was supposed to be about Meredith.
I Can Do It With a Broken Heart
This is poppy excellence.
Carly RaemeetsMelodramaeraLorde mode suits Taylor.
Love her energy here and the combination of the peppy Adderall delivery and despondent lyrics.
Dont ruin the magic of the tour by telling us you were miserable during it.
The Jehovahs Witness line is objectively the funniest thing shes ever written.
This feels more Joe than Matty, because you need years to build up this level of resentment.
The audible sigh … She sounds so tired at first.
Then the momentous anger elevates her blood pressure.
This is a Joe track through and through.
He stole her time, and she will not be forgiving him for being a tiny little coward.
Its the dark inverse of the promise from Peace.
Shes not dying for him or his sins.
Shes just dying inside.
She is reaching Travis on his literacy level, and thats nice.
Clara Bow
This song makes me think the entire album is intentionally cringe.
It is meant to be over-the-top earnest to the point of self-parody.
That is the only explanation for some of the lyric choices.
Anyway, this song sounds nice.
The Black Dog
Your location, you forgot to turn it off.
Did Taylor watchLove Is Blind?
Were you making fun of me with some esoteric joke?
is devastating to those who think theyre smart and funny and are actually neither.
I dont know about that.
Didnt she just make a joke about her ex not being Dylan Thomas?
imgonnagetyouback
She shouldve named it anything else.
Putting the title in Gen-Z lowercase did not help; it implicated her further.
Jack Antonoff is on autopilot, but its not like thats abadthing.
Does the Department have a plagiarism policy?
Shes wringing as much juice as possible from the titular double entendre, and its working.
This is a juiced-up banger.
The Albatross
This one is about Jessica Alba.
Jackals and hackles really are two words that rhyme.
All the Antonoff songs are like,What if Emily Dickinson was inTron?
Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus
This is about dating a bi person.
No, this is about a polycule.
How Did It End?
I miss when she would write her own melodies instead of singing over Aarons ambient white noise.
This is your reminder that the Dessners wrote the songs forCyranoand they all sucked and sounded just like this.
Shes doing some subtlebanaurnais and avaurcaidorsindie-girl vowels on this one.
So High School fits perfectly into the echelon of amazing driving-with-the-top-down songs.
This brings me back to1989, in a good way.
All these dings on towns and mid-sized cities!
thanK you alMee
This woman puts the B in subtle.
No smoke for Kanye.
Youd think hed at least get a stray.
I changed your name and any real defining clues girl, we all know who youre talking about.
Props for going with Aimee, a very realistic 2000s suburban Pennsylvania name.
I lived across the street from an Aimee.
We willallbe AI Me if Silicon Valley gets their way with us.
Maybe its a clue.
The whisper-light vocals work for me here a shade of Billie Eilish without feeling like cosplay.
The Prophecy
The Prophecy exists in the backwoods whereevermoremeetsMidnights (3am Edition) a.k.a.
I dont need money just someone who wants my company kindly stop calling Joe poor!
Put some respect on her rap flow.
Im still having trouble figuring out what the prophecy actually says.
Cassandra
This track list reads like an attendance sheet.
Is this a companion piece to mad woman?
When its Burn the bitch, theyre shrieking / When the truth comes out, its quiet.Ahem.
Thats enough snake references.
This would be so beautiful sung by Lana Del Rey nine years ago.
Peter
Tin-foil hat: This is about Karlie Kloss.
You said youd come and get me, but you were 25 really works with this timeline.
This song feels like a sibling to Right Where You Left Me.
Loves never lost when perspective is earned …
Trying to figure out if this is wise or means nothing.
The Bolter
I immediately like this vibe.
This is easy-breezy fun.
Cant wait for(sped up) (reverb) YouTubersto find this one.
Bring back guitar-strum Taylor for good!
Robin
This is very me going to church in middle school and learning worship songs.
Im going to sing this one to my cat.
It starts out as a Coldplay song and ends as Bright Eyes …
This would be a goodGreys Anatomysong.
graduates made up a disproportionate amount of her fan base and wrote this song for them.
But the story isnt mine anymore yeah, itsTavi Gevinsons.
Wait, no,thiswould make a goodGreys Anatomysong.
This album reminds me of all of that.
